Hi all...I haven't read or posted anything here in many years, but now I
need so advice and input and feedback - mostly on releationships.

Some background since it's been some time

Many years ago when I was in my later 20's I had been told by a doctor that
I "might" have herpes or an infection from a scratch whatever, but since
there was only one tiny blister and it was pretty much several days after
it's onset..no testing was done - basically it was thrown under the table.
About a year later or so I got another one, again by the time I was able to
see a doctor it was pretty much gone and they said there was nothing there
to culture and that it really didn't pay to do a blood test since if I ever
had a cold sore it would come back positive anyway and not to worry about it
unless I had an open sore.

Well, I searched high and low on the internet and read lots of books (I have
the one tha ASHA - I think that's the organization put out) and some of my
"symptoms" seem to mimick herpes (at least way back then when I got the 2
blisters).   Since around 2000 I have not had any repeat episodes of
blisters, etc.   Every once in a while (maybe once every 6 months or less) I
get a little tingly or itchy that lasts a day or so but nothing unbearable
or anything.

Anyway, this has never been a problem and I have always been upfront and
honest in a relationship which never seems to be a problem or issue.   I
have not been in a relationship for over 2 years now and just met the most
wonderful person I have ever met, I have never had such an awesome
connection with someone or felt anything like this before.

Tonight I told him my "thoughts and theorys" of my past and the inkling that
I could test positive for herpes.  I know, I know..I should have been
tested, but basically all these years I just convinced myself that I had it
and since it never interferred in a relationship before I didn't really give
it a thought.

So, now it looks like it might be a burden to get through.  I totally
understand his fears and don't blame him one bit for having doubts about
getting further involved with me.   We talked about getting tested - which
I'm all for (maybe I've convinced myself for years over something for
nothing - wouldn't that be a nice surprise).   I'm calling the doc tomorrow
to make an appt.

I'm now preparing myself for testing positive -- so my question for you now
is --- are there any couples out here in cyberspace where the female tests
positive but the male is negative.   If so, how do you get through it and
any suggestions for making sure I do everything I can possibly do to make
sure that he does not get infected as well.  Any advice??

Thanks in advance for any insights and thoughts

"Lady"

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> Many years ago when I was in my later 20's I had been told by a doctor tha
t
> I "might" have herpes or an infection from a scratch whatever, but since
> there was only one tiny blister and it was pretty much several days after
> it's onset..no testing was done - basically it was thrown under the tabl
e.
> About a year later or so I got another one, again by the time I was able t
o
> see a doctor it was pretty much gone and they said there was nothing there
> to culture and that it really didn't pay to do a blood test since if I eve
r
> had a cold sore it would come back positive anyway and not to worry about 
it
> unless I had an open sore.

I went to the doc a few days after I got a rash/lesion and it was
pretty much thrown under the table for me too. I'm in the situation
where there is nothing to culture too.I never had blister or ulcer for
them to culture.

Get a type-specific blood test. My blood test showed positive for hsv-1
and negative for hsv-2. I presume that my rash/lesion was due to hsv-1
but I may never know. But if you get a type-specific test done and it
reveals you are positive for hsv-2, you almost definitely have it
genitally. If you test positive for type-1 like me, you can't be
totally sure where it is, but it doesn't matter all that much anyway
since the majority of people have hsv-1 and you are a woman and guys
tend to be much more forgiving and even-minded about hsv in general
than women. Women tend to be much, much more selective in choosing guys
than men are in choosing a woman. So that should help!

~Eric

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Lady writes:
>it really didn't pay to do a blood test since if I ever
>had a cold sore it would come back positive anyway

That was true in the early days of blood tests but not any more.
There are several now that are type specific and accurate.

>We talked about getting tested

Getting *both* of you tested?  I would hope so. Without a blood test,
you can't know *his* status for sure.

>my question for you now
>is --- are there any couples out here in cyberspace where the female tests
>positive but the male is negative.

I'm neither female nor coupled but yes, there are many many discordant
couples in the world with female positive partners. It's pretty
common.

>any suggestions for making sure I do everything I can possibly do to make
>sure that he does not get infected as well.  Any advice??

"Advice" = First get both of you tested so you'll know whether or not
to even bother with being careful. And while you're at it, might as
well test for everything else too.  If, by chance, one of you is
H-positive and one is not, there are a number of things you can do to
reduce the risk of transmission although nothing can reduce the risk
to zero.  1) No sex during prodrome or outbreaks.  2) Suppression  3)
Regular use of condoms. Those three are the most effective. Beyond
that, it never hurts to have sex with the lights on (so you can *see*
what you're doing.. pun intended) and pay very close attention to
what you're body is telling you.
Hopefully, you'll hear from some of the ladies here soon. Some are in
discordant relationships.

M2

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Hi Lady,

The answer to your question will be easier to understand once we know if you
have type 1 or 2.  It makes a huge difference as far as transfer rates go.

I was with my ex for 17 years and he never got herpes from me, that we know
of, because he refused to be tested.  But I have genital type 1 which is
more difficult to transfer genital to genital.

There are medications you can take which will lessen the shedding rate.
Perhaps he would pay 50% of the cost.

As to how we got through it?  Easy.  Love.

Once you know which type you have, come back and we can chat some more about
specifics.  But you never said if you have had cold sores or not.

ar

"Lady" <nospam@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:D%Iog.11084$Wl.4933@trnddc01..
> Hi all...I haven't read or posted anything here in many years, but now
> I I'm now preparing myself for testing positive -- so my question for you
> now is --- are there any couples out here in cyberspace where the female
> tests positive but the male is negative.   If so, how do you get through
> it and any suggestions for making sure I do everything I can possibly do
> to make sure that he does not get infected as well.  Any advice??

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On Thu, 29 Jun 2006 04:51:47 GMT, "Lady" <nospam@hotmail.com> wrote:
>are there any couples out here in cyberspace where the female tests
>positive but the male is negative.

Lady,
Three years ago I started dating a woman who had herpes. Herpes had an
impact on our relationship early on, but it lessoned as time went by.
We were very cautious at first but became less careful with protection
after we both became more comfortable with the situation. However our
relationship ended some months ago.

> If so, how do you get through it and  any suggestions for making
>sure I do everything I can possibly do to make sure that he does
>not get infected as well.  Any advice??

In the beginning, I would always wear a condom and boxer shorts for
intercourse. We were both careful about not touching my genital area
if our hands had just touched her. We kept wet wipes near the bed.
After sex I would wash up thoroughly. I used a dental dam for oral sex
on her but neither of us liked it much after the first few times. The
protection became part of our routine and didn't bother me very much;
however it did make my girl feel self conscious at times. During the
final year of our relationship we were less cautious. I stopped
wearing the boxer shorts and we often went without protection for oral
sex and intercourse.

We abstained from intercourse during outbreaks but we still found ways
to pleasure each other. Although she was never tested, we believed she
had HSV-1 genitally. She had infrequent outbreaks and only took
Valtrex when she felt an outbreak coming on.

I've been tested since our relationship ended and the test returned
negative results for HSV-1 and HSV-2.

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Hi Slam,

Thanks for sharing your story.  

ar

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Thanks "Slam"   that's a bit re-assuring :-)

How long would you say it took you to go from thinking HERPES to herpes

I made an appt with my doc to be tested to make sure and he's going to come
with me cause he has a lot of questions too -- mostly he's scared stiff of
getting it -- but doesn't want to leave me either

"Slam" <slam@hotDONOTMAIL.com> wrote in message
news:rtdba29a7g2cdk3da6rl62721uinev9ar2@4ax.com..
> On Thu, 29 Jun 2006 04:51:47 GMT, "Lady" <nospam@hotmail.com> wrote: 
>
> Lady,
> Three years ago I started dating a woman who had herpes. Herpes had an
> impact on our relationship early on, but it lessoned as time went by.
> We were very cautious at first but became less careful with protection
> after we both became more comfortable with the situation. However our
> relationship ended some months ago.
> 
>
> In the beginning, I would always wear a condom and boxer shorts for
> intercourse. We were both careful about not touching my genital area
> if our hands had just touched her. We kept wet wipes near the bed.
> After sex I would wash up thoroughly. I used a dental dam for oral sex
> on her but neither of us liked it much after the first few times. The
> protection became part of our routine and didn't bother me very much;
> however it did make my girl feel self conscious at times. During the
> final year of our relationship we were less cautious. I stopped
> wearing the boxer shorts and we often went without protection for oral
> sex and intercourse.
>
> We abstained from intercourse during outbreaks but we still found ways
> to pleasure each other. Although she was never tested, we believed she
> had HSV-1 genitally. She had infrequent outbreaks and only took
> Valtrex when she felt an outbreak coming on.
>
> I've been tested since our relationship ended and the test returned
> negative results for HSV-1 and HSV-2.

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Slam,

You should have told her to get a type-specific antibody test done so
she can identify which type she has. If it was type-1, you could easily
catch it orally if you don't already have the virus and fail to use
adequate protection, but then you are just like the other 80% of people
out there with hsv-1. If she had hsv-2, it would be harder for you to
catch hsv-2 orally but significant care would have to be taken to
protect yourself genitally. If you know the type you know how to better
protect yourself and what threat you face.

~Eric

> Lady,
> Three years ago I started dating a woman who had herpes. Herpes had an
> impact on our relationship early on, but it lessoned as time went by.
> We were very cautious at first but became less careful with protection
> after we both became more comfortable with the situation. However our
> relationship ended some months ago.
> 
>
> In the beginning, I would always wear a condom and boxer shorts for
> intercourse. We were both careful about not touching my genital area
> if our hands had just touched her. We kept wet wipes near the bed.
> After sex I would wash up thoroughly. I used a dental dam for oral sex
> on her but neither of us liked it much after the first few times. The
> protection became part of our routine and didn't bother me very much;
> however it did make my girl feel self conscious at times. During the
> final year of our relationship we were less cautious. I stopped
> wearing the boxer shorts and we often went without protection for oral
> sex and intercourse.
>
> We abstained from intercourse during outbreaks but we still found ways
> to pleasure each other. Although she was never tested, we believed she
> had HSV-1 genitally. She had infrequent outbreaks and only took
> Valtrex when she felt an outbreak coming on.
>
> I've been tested since our relationship ended and the test returned
> negative results for HSV-1 and HSV-2.

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On Sat, 01 Jul 2006 01:51:09 GMT, "Lady" <nospam@hotmail.com> wrote:
>How long would you say it took you to go from thinking HERPES to herpes

This is probably a very individual thing. For me, it was gradual.
Obviously the longer we were together the more comfortable I became.
As our relationship progressed I became more committed to the idea
that we would probably be together for a very long time (although, as
it turned out we weren't). When I began to regard her as my only
partner for the rest of my life, my concerns for contracting HSV
dropped significantly and I was more willing to use fewer precautions.

We talked about these things. It was important for her to know that I
wasn't rejecting her by taking certain precautions and it was
important for me to know that she valued my health.

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On 30 Jun 2006 20:59:49 -0700, "Eric" <ejk235@gmail.com> wrote:
>  You should have told her to get a type-specific antibody test done so
>she can identify which type she has.

We were reasonably certain what type she had without having a test
performed. To me, 'harder' or 'easier' to catch was meaningless
because there was always SOME chance that I could 'catch it'. Aside
from abstaining from certain activities all together (which we did
early in our relationship) we knew that there was a possibility of me
being exposed to the virus. The type of the virus made no difference
to us.

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