I am interested to know how you all workaround or accommodate the different
parenting styles that happen in Shared custody homes.  My SO has a 10 year 
old
son that we have generally one night per weekend and for half the school
holidays. He is a fairly good and well adjusted to his family life as his
parents have been separated since he was about 6 months old.
The parenting style of his BM who he lives with, IMO leaves a lot to be
desired - I could go on for ages about the things that tic me off, but I won
't
bore you.  (Bit of background we are in NSW Australia - there is actual Fam
ily
Court order custody arrangement - SO's legal advice that he received was tha
t
the visitation she was allowing him was better than what he would get if he 
took
her to court and it would just cost him money).

Anyway to get to the point.  The BM does not put a high priority on School 
or
homework and will write notes excusing son from not handing in homework etc 
as
he hasn't done it. Both SO and I think it is wrong. She also refuses to he
lp
him with his homework or assignments and demands that we don't help him. I
think they need some help, I am not suggesting doing it for him, but I take 
him
to the library and when he has trouble try and phrase it in a different way 
he
may understand.   The most deplorable thing is recently we took him on a 2 
week
holiday to see his paternal grandparents.  His mother called daily and kept
telling him she had bought him something he had always wanted, what she boug
ht
him was a Swiss Army Knife - the child is 10 and it is illegal for anyone un
der
16 in our state to possess one of these.

How do you deal with parenting styles that are different without having too 
much
conflict?? How can we express our opinions and have them enforced somehow wh
en
we are the non custodial parents??  Or am I just dreaming thinking there sho
uld
be some sort of compromise??

If you are still reading thanks, sorry it was so long winded and a bit
confusing, but that is my mind at the moment.
--
Kelly

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Kelly wrote:

> How do you deal with parenting styles that are different without having to
o much
> conflict??

Generally, you can't.

>How can we express our opinions and have them enforced somehow when
> we are the non custodial parents??

Generally, you can't. But, in a strange sort of way, it's a good thing
because it doesn't go the other way, too. (I.e., she can't have HER
opinions enforced in YOUR household.)

>Or am I just dreaming thinking there should be some sort of compromise??

Just to be nitpicking here, you're not asking for a compromise. You're
wanting the BM to follow your parenting style.


Tracey

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"Kelly" <k@k.com> wrote in message
news:416e5029$0$20580$afc38c87@news.optusnet.com.au..
>
> How do you deal with parenting styles that are different without having
> too much
> conflict?? How can we express our opinions and have them enforced somehow
> when
> we are the non custodial parents??  Or am I just dreaming thinking there
> should
> be some sort of compromise??

G'day Kelly.

The only way to really compromise in a situation like this is to agree that
you cannot expect the other parent to enforce your rules and visa versa. The
child simply learns to live to one set of rules at one house and another set
of rules at the other house. You will have much less conflict if you realise
that you can only control what happens in your own household. In the overall
scheme of things kids don't suffer any harm from living like this.

You might feel that not helping with homework and allowing a kid to have a
swiss army knife are wrong or bad parenting decisions but the thing is
parenting is far bigger than that. Its not so much the individual rules that
help a child to grow into a decent person, but the reasons behind the rules.
If you think about it the BM loves her son, wants him to learn to think for
himself, wants him to learn responsibity etc. All good things really. In
other words don't sweat the small stuff. The important thing is that you can
all work at raising the child in a conflict free environment knowing that,
even though there are different rules and opinions, everyone has the same
aim - to produce a healthy, responsible, capable and happy young man.

Amy

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