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Home > Archive > Lasik Eyes Surgery > July 2006 > LASIK humor (well, a little too close to real life actually)
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LASIK humor (well, a little too close to real life actually)
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| Trulytelling@yahoo.com 2006-07-26, 9:28 pm |
| http://lasikflap.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2633#2633
RS Newswire Dec 16, 2004. Blind Lagoon, Louisiana
Blinded By The Light Laser Center (BBTLLC) of Louisiana is pleased to
announce the arrival of the latest generation in laser correction. This
new technology will soon be available at the doorstep of anyone living
in the continental United States.
Blinded By The Light ushers in a new era in refractive surgery with its
first-of-a-kind mobile service. Prospective patients who are fearful of
the risk of driving to and from a LASIK clinic will soon be able to
have LASIK surgery performed in the comfort of their own driveway.
Dr. Mark OvZorro, affectionately known as Zorro by his patients and
plaintiffs, is the medical director of BBTLLC and to date has performed
over twenty LASIK procedures in various third world countries. Dr.
Ovzorro, working closely with his esteemed colleague, Dr. Ima Butcher,
has developed OpaqCor(tm), a unique form of LASIK that attempts to
eliminate all of the optical aberrations found in the natural eye. Dr.
Mark OvZorro and his medical staff will be touring the country in a
fully equipped mobile surgical trailer. Get ready to throw away your
glasses and contact lenses and experience "Low Definition Vision (tm)",
or LDV as it is rapidly becoming known as in the refractive surgery
industry.
The primary goal of the OpaqCor(tm) procedure is to prevent light from
entering the eye by creating a completely opaque cornea. The
OpaqCor(tm) procedure starts with a special macrokeratome developed by
Dr. OvZorro. A MegaThick (MT(tm)) 400 micron deep flap is cut,
completely severing the corneal nerves and irreversibly weakening the
cornea. The high pressure suction device on the macrokeratome is
designed to strangle the optic nerve and in ninety percent of patients,
results in a retinal detachment. This is followed by an Extra Wide
Extra Deep (EWED(tm)) ablation. The EWED(tm) ablation, which was
developed by Dr. Butcher, is designed to puncture through the stromal
bed and completely rupture the eye. The next step is the ablation.
Blinded By The Light has developed an advanced military caliber laser
and eye tracker that implements a GPS orbital satellite system. The
laser is fired from the satellite and the cool, high-energy pulses
which gently reshape the eye are controlled by an eye tracker with an
accuracy of plus or minus three meters. After the ablation, the flap is
immersed in a bed of steel shavings and fungal spores and then placed
haphazardly back on the eye. Profuse irrigation with sulfuric acid is
performed for at least sixty seconds. The patient is then deposited
onto the surface of their driveway and is encouraged to stagger back
into the comfort of their home.
Before the Low Definition Vision (tm) procedure, which is always
performed on both eyes, patients are advised to take megadoses of
Vioxx. To keep costs under control post-op followup is handled strictly
by email. If a patient has not committed suicide within six months of
having LASIK at BBTLLC, then he or she is advised to stop taking
anti-depressants. For those patients, a special in-home follow-up visit
can be arranged with our consulting physician, Dr. Kevorkian.
Disclaimer: Although Low Definition Vision (tm) and the OpaqCor(tm)
procedure has yielded a ninety per cent success rate to date, a small
percentage of patients may be left with some residual visual function.
Less than ten per cent may be left with the ability to distinguish hand
motion and less than one per cent may be able to count fingers. For
those patients, Blinded By The Light offers free lifetime enhancements.
At this time, the only form of payment accepted is cash in unmarked
bills. Wire transfers to our numbered Swiss bank account may also be
arranged. Informed consent forms will be provided as early as three
months after surgery and can be mailed directly to the address of the
patient's sanatorium or state mental hospital. White canes are not
provided by BBTLLC, and before having Low Definition Vision (tm) LASIK,
patients are encouraged to learn braille.
RS Newswire Dec 16, 2004. Blind Lagoon, Louisiana.
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| serebel 2006-07-26, 9:28 pm |
|
Boy are you going to confuse the retard with this post.
| |
| Ragnar 2006-07-26, 9:28 pm |
| You seem to thnk that problems are funny.. what an evil XXXXXXX you
are. XXXXXXX is a very harsh word to be avoided.. however.. if the
shoe fits.... it is quite apropos for you.
LasikFlap... what a sorry excuse for a website.
You are about as funny as brain cancer.
On 26 Jul 2006 18:11:37 -0700, Trulytelling@yahoo.com wrote:
>http://lasikflap.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2633#2633
>
>
>RS Newswire Dec 16, 2004. Blind Lagoon, Louisiana
>
>Blinded By The Light Laser Center (BBTLLC) of Louisiana is pleased to
>announce the arrival of the latest generation in laser correction. This
>new technology will soon be available at the doorstep of anyone living
>in the continental United States.
>
>Blinded By The Light ushers in a new era in refractive surgery with its
>first-of-a-kind mobile service. Prospective patients who are fearful of
>the risk of driving to and from a LASIK clinic will soon be able to
>have LASIK surgery performed in the comfort of their own driveway.
>
>Dr. Mark OvZorro, affectionately known as Zorro by his patients and
>plaintiffs, is the medical director of BBTLLC and to date has performed
>over twenty LASIK procedures in various third world countries. Dr.
>Ovzorro, working closely with his esteemed colleague, Dr. Ima Butcher,
>has developed OpaqCor(tm), a unique form of LASIK that attempts to
>eliminate all of the optical aberrations found in the natural eye. Dr.
>Mark OvZorro and his medical staff will be touring the country in a
>fully equipped mobile surgical trailer. Get ready to throw away your
>glasses and contact lenses and experience "Low Definition Vision (tm)",
>or LDV as it is rapidly becoming known as in the refractive surgery
>industry.
>
>The primary goal of the OpaqCor(tm) procedure is to prevent light from
>entering the eye by creating a completely opaque cornea. The
>OpaqCor(tm) procedure starts with a special macrokeratome developed by
>Dr. OvZorro. A MegaThick (MT(tm)) 400 micron deep flap is cut,
>completely severing the corneal nerves and irreversibly weakening the
>cornea. The high pressure suction device on the macrokeratome is
>designed to strangle the optic nerve and in ninety percent of patients,
>results in a retinal detachment. This is followed by an Extra Wide
>Extra Deep (EWED(tm)) ablation. The EWED(tm) ablation, which was
>developed by Dr. Butcher, is designed to puncture through the stromal
>bed and completely rupture the eye. The next step is the ablation.
>Blinded By The Light has developed an advanced military caliber laser
>and eye tracker that implements a GPS orbital satellite system. The
>laser is fired from the satellite and the cool, high-energy pulses
>which gently reshape the eye are controlled by an eye tracker with an
>accuracy of plus or minus three meters. After the ablation, the flap is
>immersed in a bed of steel shavings and fungal spores and then placed
>haphazardly back on the eye. Profuse irrigation with sulfuric acid is
>performed for at least sixty seconds. The patient is then deposited
>onto the surface of their driveway and is encouraged to stagger back
>into the comfort of their home.
>
>Before the Low Definition Vision (tm) procedure, which is always
>performed on both eyes, patients are advised to take megadoses of
>Vioxx. To keep costs under control post-op followup is handled strictly
>by email. If a patient has not committed suicide within six months of
>having LASIK at BBTLLC, then he or she is advised to stop taking
>anti-depressants. For those patients, a special in-home follow-up visit
>can be arranged with our consulting physician, Dr. Kevorkian.
>
>Disclaimer: Although Low Definition Vision (tm) and the OpaqCor(tm)
>procedure has yielded a ninety per cent success rate to date, a small
>percentage of patients may be left with some residual visual function.
>Less than ten per cent may be left with the ability to distinguish hand
>motion and less than one per cent may be able to count fingers. For
>those patients, Blinded By The Light offers free lifetime enhancements.
>At this time, the only form of payment accepted is cash in unmarked
>bills. Wire transfers to our numbered Swiss bank account may also be
>arranged. Informed consent forms will be provided as early as three
>months after surgery and can be mailed directly to the address of the
>patient's sanatorium or state mental hospital. White canes are not
>provided by BBTLLC, and before having Low Definition Vision (tm) LASIK,
>patients are encouraged to learn braille.
>
>RS Newswire Dec 16, 2004. Blind Lagoon, Louisiana.
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