Lasik Eyes Surgery - Blinded By The Light Laser Center News Release

Author

Blinded By The Light Laser Center News Release

markovzorro@doctor.com

2004-12-16, 9:26 am

For immediate release.

RS Newswire Dec 16, 2004. Blind Lagoon, Louisiana.

Blinded By The Light Laser Center (BBTLLC) of Louisiana is pleased to
announce the arrival of the latest generation in laser correction. This
new technology will soon be available at the doorstep of anyone living
in the continental United States.

Blinded By The Light ushers in a new era in refractive surgery with its
first-of-a-kind mobile service. Prospective patients who are fearful of
the risk of driving to and from a LASIK clinic will soon be able to
have LASIK surgery performed in the comfort of their own driveway.

Dr. Mark OvZorro, affectionately known as Zorro by his patients and
plaintiffs, is the medical director of BBTLLC and to date has performed
over twenty LASIK procedures in various third world countries. Dr.
Ovzorro, working closely with his esteemed colleague, Dr. Ima Butcher,
has developed OpaqCor(tm), a unique form of LASIK that attempts to
eliminate all of the optical aberrations found in the natural eye. Dr.
Mark OvZorro and his medical staff will be touring the country in a
fully equipped mobile surgical trailer. Get ready to throw away your
glasses and contact lenses and experience "Low Definition Vision (tm)",
or LDV as it is rapidly becoming known as in the refractive surgery
industry.

The primary goal of the OpaqCor(tm) procedure is to prevent light from
entering the eye by creating a completely opaque cornea. The
OpaqCor(tm) procedure starts with a special macrokeratome developed by
Dr. OvZorro. A MegaThick (MT(tm)) 400 micron deep flap is cut,
completely severing the corneal nerves and irreversibly weakening the
cornea. The high pressure suction device on the macrokeratome is
designed to strangle the optic nerve and in ninety percent of patients,
results in a retinal detachment. This is followed by an Extra Wide
Extra Deep (EWED(tm)) ablation. The EWED(tm) ablation, which was
developed by Dr. Butcher, is designed to puncture through the stromal
bed and completely rupture the eye. The next step is the ablation.
Blinded By The Light has developed an advanced military caliber laser
and eye tracker that implements a GPS orbital satellite system. The
laser is fired from the satellite and the cool, high-energy pulses
which gently reshape the eye are controlled by an eye tracker with an
accuracy of plus or minus three meters. After the ablation, the flap is
immersed in a bed of steel shavings and fungal spores and then placed
haphazardly back on the eye. Profuse irrigation with sulfuric acid is
performed for at least sixty seconds. The patient is then deposited
onto the surface of their driveway and is encouraged to stagger back
into the comfort of their home.

Before the Low Definition Vision (tm) procedure, which is always
performed on both eyes, patients are advised to take megadoses of
Vioxx. To keep costs under control post-op followup is handled strictly
by email. If a patient has not committed suicide within six months of
having LASIK at BBTLLC, then he or she is advised to stop taking
anti-depressants. For those patients, a special in-home follow-up visit
can be arranged with our consulting physician, Dr. Kevorkian.

Disclaimer: Although Low Definition Vision (tm) and the OpaqCor(tm)
procedure has yielded a ninety per cent success rate to date, a small
percentage of patients may be left with some residual visual function.
Less than ten per cent may be left with the ability to distinguish hand
motion and less than one per cent may be able to count fingers. For
those patients, Blinded By The Light offers free lifetime enhancements.
At this time, the only form of payment accepted is cash in unmarked
bills. Wire transfers to our numbered Swiss bank account may also be
arranged. Informed consent forms will be provided as early as three
months after surgery and can be mailed directly to the address of the
patient's sanatorium or state mental hospital. White canes are not
provided by BBTLLC, and before having Low Definition Vision (tm) LASIK,
patients are encouraged to learn braille.
RS Newswire Dec 16, 2004. Blind Lagoon, Louisiana.

Glenn - USAEyes.org

2004-12-17, 7:13 pm

I suppose the intent of this and related posts is to be funny, but I
find this serves no valuable purpose whatsoever and in extremely poor
taste.

Glenn Hagele
Executive Director
Council for Refractive Surgery Quality Assurance

Email to glenn dot hagele at usaeyes dot org

http://www.USAEyes.org
http://www.ComplicatedEyes.org

I am not a doctor.

Jens Arne Maennig

2004-12-17, 7:13 pm

Glenn - USAEyes.org wrote:

> I suppose the intent of this and related posts is to be funny, but I
> find this serves no valuable purpose whatsoever and in extremely poor
> taste.

I found it extremely funny and forwarded it to a couple of business
partners in the LASIK industry. According to their reactions, they all
shared my opinion.

Jens

Glenn - USAEyes.org

2004-12-17, 7:13 pm

Different strokes for different folks.

Unfortunately, I've had to help people who have had first-hand
experiences with real doctors who display attitudes that are much too
much like this fake doctor. The results are seldom funny.

Glenn Hagele
Executive Director
Council for Refractive Surgery Quality Assurance

Email to glenn dot hagele at usaeyes dot org

http://www.USAEyes.org
http://www.ComplicatedEyes.org

I am not a doctor.

Jens Arne Maennig

2004-12-17, 7:13 pm

Glenn - USAEyes.org wrote:

> Unfortunately, I've had to help people who have had first-hand
> experiences with real doctors who display attitudes that are much too
> much like this fake doctor. The results are seldom funny.

No, they're not. However, it is legitimate to make jokes about it, as
about nationalities, religion, disabilities or what holy values or part
of daily life ever. You can't exclude the topics of your own activities
from humor. It would just be a sign of taking yourself to seriously.

And yes, there are refractive surgeons that display kind of Zorro's
approach. One of them (one I've known and watched with shiver for over
ten years) lost his license to practice lately.

Jens

Glenn - USAEyes.org

2004-12-17, 7:13 pm

> However, it is legitimate to make jokes about it, as
>about nationalities, religion, disabilities or what holy values or part
>of daily life ever.

I'm afraid I'm not going to agree with that either, but that is a
whole different discussion.

Glenn Hagele
Executive Director
Council for Refractive Surgery Quality Assurance

Email to glenn dot hagele at usaeyes dot org

http://www.USAEyes.org
http://www.ComplicatedEyes.org

I am not a doctor.

rebeccaNO_SPAM@lasermyeye.org

2004-12-17, 7:13 pm

Jens Arne Maennig wrote:

> You can't exclude the topics of your own activities
> from humor. It would just be a sign of taking yourself to seriously.

Yessssssss.

Personally I thought it was hysterical and sent it to many of my
friends, including several surgeons.

The Standards suck

2004-12-22, 7:11 pm

If that's the case, then why aren't your Doctors doing something to
stop them? Wouldn't that be a criminal offence?

Isn't that the point of this post?

I found it hilarious. Tears rolling down the cheecks funny and sad at
the same time.

Glenn - USAEyes.org wrote:
> Different strokes for different folks.
>
> Unfortunately, I've had to help people who have had first-hand
> experiences with real doctors who display attitudes that are much too
> much like this fake doctor. The results are seldom funny.
>
> Glenn Hagele
> Executive Director
> Council for Refractive Surgery Quality Assurance
>
> Email to glenn dot hagele at usaeyes dot org
>
> http://www.USAEyes.org
> http://www.ComplicatedEyes.org
>
> I am not a doctor.