| William Blake Jr. 2006-04-17, 11:24 am |
| There is in psychology the concept of M-frame relationship and A-frame
relationship. In M-frame relationship, both parties stand (as in two
sides of "M") and sustain the relationship through their emotional
self-sufficiency. In A-frame relationship, the parties lean on each
other (as in the two sides of the "A") and require each other to stay
afloat emotionally.
That may be as is, and I am sure that both of these are the case for a
lot of people. But I am here to talk about a different kind of A-frame
relationship; a much better kind of A-frame relationship. An A-frame
relationship that is superior to both the entombing A-frame
relationship and to the dry, boring, vain M-frame relationship as
prescribed by psychology of emotional self-sufficiency and mental
hygiene. An A-frame relationship that merges each party's interest in
growth, with caring for each other, with inspiration and goodness
sustaining them both and guiding them individually and together to
higher and better place. An A-frame relationship that is inspired,
beautiful, full of heart, enriching, livening, caring, compassionate
and focused on what is good and true - which goodness and truth
manifests to both partners, manifests through both partners to one
another, and becomes a daily quality in their lives.
I am speaking of this kind of A-frame relationship: In which both
parties are in contact with, and merge at the point of, heaven (the top
point of A), which manifests through both, inspires both, directs both,
informs both and leads both to it. The other part of the better A-frame
relationship is the contact between the hearts of the partners (the
line in the middle of the A), allowing for ongoing and unimpeded flux
of passion, compassion, caring, understanding and goodwill between
them. This true A-frame arrangement - with heaven at the top sustaining
both and forming the point at which their souls meet and are sustained
by wisdom and luminosity - and benevolence and compassion and goodwill
in the middle between each parties at the heart level being free to
flow without obstruction caused by one-upmanship or power games -
creates a relationship that is at once inspired, beautiful, emotionally
fulfilling and good for both parties; where the heaven, being the focal
point of intellectual and spiritual union, is manifest through each
party and directs the mind and spirit of the relationship; while the
hearts are in constant mutually refurbishing contact, imparting to one
another passion, compassion, caring and goodwill.
In many relationships I've examined, I found either heart bond or mind
bond. The first resulted in emotional closeness in context of mental
battling; the second resulted in mutual purpose but either emotional
deadness or emotional violence. Ayn Rand's concept of love as an
entirely ego phenomenon was seen in her life in her own relationships:
Relationships that either ended with nastiness on her part when she
felt spurned, or in which she essentially dominated the partner. This
is what happens when there is no heart bond. I've seen unity of purpose
- the top point of the "A" uniting the minds - sustain relationships
among people whose hearts were no longer together - only to result in
extreme emotional violence in the process and, when given the
opportunity, to fall apart when the relationship's purpose ended. I've
seen heart bonds unite people whose minds were in different places -
and the minds by self-righteousness and miscommunication destroying the
bond of love. But man is a being of both mind and heart; and it is not
adequate for there to be just one or the other. There have to be both;
and it is this - the unity of spirit and mind at the top and the bond
between hearts in the middle - that is the meaning of true A-frame
relationship. Which indeed leads me to think that that is the only kind
of relationship that can completely fulfill human beings.
I am acquainted with a priest whose marriage was falling apart because
of constant bickering, until he asked God (in his case, Christian God)
to direct him to the solution. He opened the Bible on a section from
Romans that said to have righteousness by God rather than by self.
Having lifted his mind out of ego battling and made the determination
to see himself and his wife the way God saw them, he was able to see
things from a top level; at which point he was able to unite his will
with that of heaven and, inhabiting that place mentally, actually
exhibit the compassion and goodwill and charitability that was the
first requirement of being Christlike and that was required for a
sustainable relationship. After both he and his wife took the mind into
that place, their bickering stopped. At which point the interaction
they had was cleared of internecine negativity, and the love they had
for each other at the heart level was able to blossom, while being
guided at mind and spirit level by actual spiritual truth.
This is what I mean by a true A-frame relationship: A relationship that
unites the spirits and minds of people in divine truth and divine
light; while allowing at the heart level emotional sharing. The hearts,
being directed from the top by divine wisdom, become warm and tender
and have tons of treasures to share with one another. While the minds
and spirits are united with the source of all such gifts: a source that
is absolute, endless and always willing to oblige those who seek it
sincerely.
In case people think that I am speaking only for Christian believers, I
will put forth something said by basically pagan Gerry Spence: That
sometimes in a relationship the way to win an argument is to lose the
argument - let the other party have their way at the low level and
keeping the love alive. It of course takes a fair deal of faith to be
able to do that effectively, rather than getting run over or thought
weak or all other nonsense that the crude of mind think. In case the
person is thick (and this is something that must be done by women more
than by men, although apparently in some places now it's the opposite),
it is worthwhile to show one's strength once in a while until people
see that kindness and deference are not the same thing as weakness.
The concept of human being - as a being of spirit; of mind; of heart
and of course of physicality - necessitates that all of these be taken
into consideration. To visualize a relationship as sustained by divine
bond at mind and spirit level, while each other's hearts become vessels
of that light and constantly share beauty with one another - is to
visualize a relationship that is fulfilling of the entire thing that is
the human entity. For minds and spirits to be guided by real spiritual
truth and united in its service and its pursuit, is to impart the
people of endless treasures of heaven - which treasures flow into the
hearts and empower caring for and cherishing of each other. The true
A-frame relationship places the spirit and mind in the infinite and
unites and uplifts them with light of eternal truth. The hearts both
partake of that light and share with each other the splendor which it
in them instils. The spiritual, emotional and intellectual nature of
humanity is fulfilled and manifest as an ongoing daily share, with
daily life of the partners rather than only Sunday services or Zen
practice being a scenery of manifestation of the divine good. Higher
love guides human love and makes the relationship a canvas of its
manifestation; a canvas on which is painted the masterpiece of creative
intelligence, as inspired by above and as manifest through the hearts
and minds and lives of the partners.
The partners do not lean on each other; they are rather united in
inspiration and wisdom. The hearts are connected to one another and to
spiritual light, which manifests both to them and through them. The
spiritual and emotional nature of humanity is fulfilled and becomes a
daily reality. The love human and love divine are united; and life
itself becomes a place of the implementation of inspired and
impassioned magnificence; which, completed by emotional closeness and
compassion and caring for one another, creates a life in which human
love and divine love work together in harmony and make life truly one
of love.
This is the true A-frame relationship, and one I heartily recommend to
anyone who wants to have beauty in their lives.
Ilya Shambat
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