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OT: Installing Linux on a Dead Badger
|
|
| GT Tick 2005-12-27, 6:00 pm |
| NOTE: John, Jim, Alex...I'm sharing this so that the New Year will
'not' bring you complete boredom and a lack of Chicken Soup for your
soles.
NOTE 2: You may have to contact Michael to supply the badger.
---
---
Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User's Notes
Let's face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat
on a Compaq, his mom's toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing
earns you geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if you
really want to earn your wizard hat, just read the following
instructions, and soon your friends will think you're slick as
caffeinated soap.
Minimum Installation Requirements:
1. one (1) pocketknife
2. one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4.
below)
3. computer with: CD drive, USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless
networking card Telnet or SSH client installed cyberspiritual controller
program such as FleshGolem (Mac OS=A0X and Linux), Phranken (Windows 98,
ME, 2000), or ItzaLive (Mac OS 8.1-9.x and Amiga)
4. one (1) Duppy card (available in CardBus and PCI models) or
SpiritInTheSky external adapter (available in ethernet and USB models)
5. V=FCD=FC Linux (available from Twisted Faces Software)
6. minimum 3' x 3' (1m x 1m) fireproof surface, in secure, ventilated
area
privacy
7. one (1) dead badger, good condition
***Optional Installation Requirements:
one (1) gallon of holy water (Bless! brand exorcise water is ideal) in a
silver or silver-plated bucket
one (1) pair latex gloves
one (1) fluid ounce of flea-killing shampoo such as Ecto-Soothe or
Mycodex
running water and a large sink or washtub
The following test installation was conducted on the concrete floor of
the garage of a detached single-story house, on unconsecrated ground,
using a 400MHz clamshell iBook, and began shortly after local sunset.
Step 1: Find a suitable badger. Specimens from zoos are ideal, but
suitable badgers can be found as roadkill along highways in many parts
of North America, the British Isles, continental Europe, Asia, and parts
of Africa. Other animals of family Mustelidae can be used in place of a
badger, but an adapter may be required. See Appendix II for details.
Step 2: Once you have obtained a dead badger, check it carefully for
structural damage, particularly in the spine, skull, and legs. Dead
badgers do not heal, and a badger with broken legs will display limited
mobility. Brain and spinal cord damage is likely to interfere with the
Linux installation and render any successfully-installed system
unstable, as well as voiding all explicit and implicit warranties
according to the laws of any and every state, country, or alternate
dimension, present or future.
As a precaution against infection, wear latex gloves at all times when
handling your dead badger. It is highly recommended that you wash the
carcass with a suitable flea-killing shampoo.
Step 3: Obtain a copy of FleshGolem or other cyberspiritual controller
program. This test was conducted with a copy of FleshGolem downloaded
from the Apple site's utilities section. Follow all installation
instructions carefully, including addenda in the readme.txt file.
All cyberspiritual controllers should be compatible with either Duppy
cards or SpiritInTheSky adapters.
Step 4: Insert Duppy card or attach external SpiritInTheSky adapter.
Duppy cards work best if you're using a Mac with an Airport slot;
response on the external SpiritInTheSky adapter may be sluggish. Further
notes below apply only to Duppy card installation on the test iBook
used.
The card has a hinged lid and a clear cover over what looks like a
small, shallow ivory box. Open and place a small amount of hair and
blood from the badger in the compartment, then close the cover, being
careful not to let stray hairs stick out of the compartment. Install
card into Airport slot by unlatching the small white tabs at the top of
the keyboard, lifting keyboard assembly off (being careful of the
wires), and inserting card into slot.
Step 5: Install Duppy card security antenna (included with card) in
badger. Badgers may be run without security antennas, but this is not
recommended. Insecure badgers may be hacked by anyone with a compatible
card and badger bits. Each Duppy card/antenna system is uniquely coded
so that a properly installed system will allow only the original user to
run the badger.
To install antenna, make a small incision with the pocketknife at the
nape of the badger's neck. Then shove the antenna down the badger's back
under the hide. Antenna must lie as flat as possible along the spine, or
security will be suboptimal. Antenna may also be installed by cutting
the badger's back skin open, but requires post-installation stitchery to
restore structural integrity; this method is recommended for licensed
taxidermists only.
Step 6: Install your badger's operating system. V=FCD=FC is the
preferred Linux distribution for badgers and related species (see Step
1). This distro was designed by German software engineers who
contributed to the SuSE project before they started up Twisted Faces
Software in Jamaica. An alternative distribution is Pooka, which is
available for download at SoulForge.net. However, there is no alpha
build for MacOS and Amiga, and some Windows NT users have found that the
Harvey utilities built into Pooka may cause sudden, unpredictable
invisibility issues.
=A0***V=FCD=FC Tech Tips:
Default partitioning: /root goes in the spinal cord and brain stem,
/swap and /soul go on the left hemisphere of the brain, and /usr, /var,
and /home go on the right. If you're working with a badger with damage
to one of those areas, you can repartition one or the other brain
hemisphere, but as noted in Step 2, using a brain-damaged badger is not
recommended and may interfere with successful installation.
System configuration information and the spiritual components of the
package come on a small, rolled-up piece of parchment. Space is
available to write in a password, as well as any auxiliary programs like
NecroNull. The V=FCD=FC package comes with two scrolls, but a Santeria,
Vodoun, Wiccan, or Catholic priest or priestess who has undergone
Twisted Faces' scrollmaking training can also provide suitably blessed
parchments. Check the V=FCD=FC home page to find a qualified cleric in
your area.
When modifying the scroll, be sure to use chicken blood-based ink, and
write neatly. Various languages may be used on the scroll -- V=FCD=FC is
written in SoulScript, but successful modifications have been made in
Latin, Hebrew, and Enochian. Further modifications can be made by
Telnetting or SSHing into your badger later; start only with essential
information. After finishing modifications, roll up the scroll and stick
it down the badger's throat, all the way into the stomach. Use a
screwdriver or pencil to get it all the way in.
Step 7: Install V=FCD=FC itself. In the package, there will be a large
square of herb-scented paper. This is the entire code for V=FCD=FC. Fold
this paper into an origami shape resembling the animal you're installing
V=FCD=FC on (see also Appendix II). There are folding directions for
common animals in the box. Make a hollow inside your paper badger and
add a little more blood and hair from your animal.
Don't lose the paper; replacements are expensive. There are recipes for
homemade paper on the Web, but getting all the information correctly
transcribed is a huge task, as this must be handwritten; furthermore,
the requirements of herb collecting, drying, and curing are formidable.
Step 8: Invocation/boot procedures. Place badger in center of fireproof
surface, making sure ventilation is adequate and all doors are locked.
Turn off all cell phones and pagers, and cease using all other
unapproved electronic devices. Using the badger's blood, smear a
foot-wide pentagram around its body. Place origami code-badger at the
top point of pentagram, and light paper while making the boot
incantation:
"Suse vivo vixi victum reduco is ea id creatura absit decessus a
facultas Linux! Dev root, dev root!"
The paper should burn with green flames. Black or gray means the herbs
were improperly prepared. Purple flames indicate kernel panic; douse the
flames with the bucket of holy water and abandon installation site
immediately. Seek shelter at the nearest church or other consecrated
area. You may need to enlist the assistance of an exorcist if you cannot
reach shelter in time.
When you produce green smoke, it should flow over the badger and into
its mouth and nose. The badger will awaken as a Linux-powered zombie.
Enjoy your new undead badger.
***Common Problems
Reanimation puts most creatures in a foul mood, and the test badger woke
up murderously angry, requiring a hasty launch of FleshGolem to get the
beast under control. It is highly recommended to have the computer close
at hand during the incantation.
If the badger isn't responding correctly, you may need to make some
configuration adjustments via Telnet; instructions are in the V=FCD=FC
manual.
If the badger does not respond at all to the boot incantation, call
Twisted Faces' tech support. Make sure to try all other troubleshooting
options first. After two free calls, tech support will cost you an arm
and a leg .=A0.=A0. and they'll only accept fresh, gangrene-free limbs.
DISCLAIMER: No badgers or Macintoshes were harmed in the course of this
test installation. Your results may vary. Please note that zombie
badgers are banned in many municipalities in California and Wisconsin;
zombie badgers must remain leashed at all times in Texas.
Zombie badgers can move at great speeds, and are prone to sudden
acceleration; use proper caution when driving your zombie badger. Do not
allow your zombie badger to consume mushrooms or African snakes, or your
badger may emit catchy techno music. Do not taunt zombie badgers.
Prolonged use of a zombie badger may cause acne, insomnia, leprosy,
unusual weather, or the end of time. Please dispose of your zombie
badgers properly; consult your local recycling company for proper
disposal protocols.
=A0
Copyright =A9 2004 Lucy A. Snyder
*****Don't Cry Because It's Over...Smile Because It Happened.*****
| |
| Cord D. Mittauer 2005-12-28, 10:57 am |
| On Tue, 27 Dec 2005 17:43:01 -0600, GT Tick wrote:
> Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User's Notes
This is just great. I will print it and show it to my Linux-User-Group in
Kaiserslautern.
Greetings from Germany
Cord
| |
|
| GT Tick wrote:
> NOTE: John, Jim, Alex...I'm sharing this so that the New Year will
> 'not' bring you complete boredom and a lack of Chicken Soup for your
> soles.
>
> NOTE 2: You may have to contact Michael to supply the badger.
> ---
> ---
> Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User's Notes
>
> Let's face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat
> on a Compaq, his mom's toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing
> earns you geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if you
> really want to earn your wizard hat, just read the following
> instructions, and soon your friends will think you're slick as
> caffeinated soap.
>
> Minimum Installation Requirements:
>
> 1. one (1) pocketknife
>
> 2. one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4.
> below)
>
> 3. computer with: CD drive, USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless
> networking card Telnet or SSH client installed cyberspiritual controller
> program such as FleshGolem (Mac OS X and Linux), Phranken (Windows 98,
> ME, 2000), or ItzaLive (Mac OS 8.1-9.x and Amiga)
>
> 4. one (1) Duppy card (available in CardBus and PCI models) or
> SpiritInTheSky external adapter (available in ethernet and USB models)
>
> 5. VüDü Linux (available from Twisted Faces Software)
>
> 6. minimum 3' x 3' (1m x 1m) fireproof surface, in secure, ventilated
> area
> privacy
>
> 7. one (1) dead badger, good condition
>
> ***Optional Installation Requirements:
>
> one (1) gallon of holy water (Bless! brand exorcise water is ideal) in a
> silver or silver-plated bucket
>
> one (1) pair latex gloves
>
> one (1) fluid ounce of flea-killing shampoo such as Ecto-Soothe or
> Mycodex
>
> running water and a large sink or washtub
>
> The following test installation was conducted on the concrete floor of
> the garage of a detached single-story house, on unconsecrated ground,
> using a 400MHz clamshell iBook, and began shortly after local sunset.
>
> Step 1: Find a suitable badger. Specimens from zoos are ideal, but
> suitable badgers can be found as roadkill along highways in many parts
> of North America, the British Isles, continental Europe, Asia, and parts
> of Africa. Other animals of family Mustelidae can be used in place of a
> badger, but an adapter may be required. See Appendix II for details.
>
> Step 2: Once you have obtained a dead badger, check it carefully for
> structural damage, particularly in the spine, skull, and legs. Dead
> badgers do not heal, and a badger with broken legs will display limited
> mobility. Brain and spinal cord damage is likely to interfere with the
> Linux installation and render any successfully-installed system
> unstable, as well as voiding all explicit and implicit warranties
> according to the laws of any and every state, country, or alternate
> dimension, present or future.
>
> As a precaution against infection, wear latex gloves at all times when
> handling your dead badger. It is highly recommended that you wash the
> carcass with a suitable flea-killing shampoo.
>
> Step 3: Obtain a copy of FleshGolem or other cyberspiritual controller
> program. This test was conducted with a copy of FleshGolem downloaded
> from the Apple site's utilities section. Follow all installation
> instructions carefully, including addenda in the readme.txt file.
> All cyberspiritual controllers should be compatible with either Duppy
> cards or SpiritInTheSky adapters.
>
> Step 4: Insert Duppy card or attach external SpiritInTheSky adapter.
> Duppy cards work best if you're using a Mac with an Airport slot;
> response on the external SpiritInTheSky adapter may be sluggish. Further
> notes below apply only to Duppy card installation on the test iBook
> used.
> The card has a hinged lid and a clear cover over what looks like a
> small, shallow ivory box. Open and place a small amount of hair and
> blood from the badger in the compartment, then close the cover, being
> careful not to let stray hairs stick out of the compartment. Install
> card into Airport slot by unlatching the small white tabs at the top of
> the keyboard, lifting keyboard assembly off (being careful of the
> wires), and inserting card into slot.
>
> Step 5: Install Duppy card security antenna (included with card) in
> badger. Badgers may be run without security antennas, but this is not
> recommended. Insecure badgers may be hacked by anyone with a compatible
> card and badger bits. Each Duppy card/antenna system is uniquely coded
> so that a properly installed system will allow only the original user to
> run the badger.
>
> To install antenna, make a small incision with the pocketknife at the
> nape of the badger's neck. Then shove the antenna down the badger's back
> under the hide. Antenna must lie as flat as possible along the spine, or
> security will be suboptimal. Antenna may also be installed by cutting
> the badger's back skin open, but requires post-installation stitchery to
> restore structural integrity; this method is recommended for licensed
> taxidermists only.
>
> Step 6: Install your badger's operating system. VüDü is the
> preferred Linux distribution for badgers and related species (see Step
> 1). This distro was designed by German software engineers who
> contributed to the SuSE project before they started up Twisted Faces
> Software in Jamaica. An alternative distribution is Pooka, which is
> available for download at SoulForge.net. However, there is no alpha
> build for MacOS and Amiga, and some Windows NT users have found that the
> Harvey utilities built into Pooka may cause sudden, unpredictable
> invisibility issues.
>
> ***VüDü Tech Tips:
> Default partitioning: /root goes in the spinal cord and brain stem,
> /swap and /soul go on the left hemisphere of the brain, and /usr, /var,
> and /home go on the right. If you're working with a badger with damage
> to one of those areas, you can repartition one or the other brain
> hemisphere, but as noted in Step 2, using a brain-damaged badger is not
> recommended and may interfere with successful installation.
>
> System configuration information and the spiritual components of the
> package come on a small, rolled-up piece of parchment. Space is
> available to write in a password, as well as any auxiliary programs like
> NecroNull. The VüDü package comes with two scrolls, but a Santeria,
> Vodoun, Wiccan, or Catholic priest or priestess who has undergone
> Twisted Faces' scrollmaking training can also provide suitably blessed
> parchments. Check the VüDü home page to find a qualified cleric in
> your area.
>
> When modifying the scroll, be sure to use chicken blood-based ink, and
> write neatly. Various languages may be used on the scroll -- VüDü is
> written in SoulScript, but successful modifications have been made in
> Latin, Hebrew, and Enochian. Further modifications can be made by
> Telnetting or SSHing into your badger later; start only with essential
> information. After finishing modifications, roll up the scroll and stick
> it down the badger's throat, all the way into the stomach. Use a
> screwdriver or pencil to get it all the way in.
>
> Step 7: Install VüDü itself. In the package, there will be a large
> square of herb-scented paper. This is the entire code for VüDü. Fold
> this paper into an origami shape resembling the animal you're installing
> VüDü on (see also Appendix II). There are folding directions for
> common animals in the box. Make a hollow inside your paper badger and
> add a little more blood and hair from your animal.
>
> Don't lose the paper; replacements are expensive. There are recipes for
> homemade paper on the Web, but getting all the information correctly
> transcribed is a huge task, as this must be handwritten; furthermore,
> the requirements of herb collecting, drying, and curing are formidable.
>
> Step 8: Invocation/boot procedures. Place badger in center of fireproof
> surface, making sure ventilation is adequate and all doors are locked.
> Turn off all cell phones and pagers, and cease using all other
> unapproved electronic devices. Using the badger's blood, smear a
> foot-wide pentagram around its body. Place origami code-badger at the
> top point of pentagram, and light paper while making the boot
> incantation:
> "Suse vivo vixi victum reduco is ea id creatura absit decessus a
> facultas Linux! Dev root, dev root!"
>
> The paper should burn with green flames. Black or gray means the herbs
> were improperly prepared. Purple flames indicate kernel panic; douse the
> flames with the bucket of holy water and abandon installation site
> immediately. Seek shelter at the nearest church or other consecrated
> area. You may need to enlist the assistance of an exorcist if you cannot
> reach shelter in time.
>
> When you produce green smoke, it should flow over the badger and into
> its mouth and nose. The badger will awaken as a Linux-powered zombie.
> Enjoy your new undead badger.
>
> ***Common Problems
> Reanimation puts most creatures in a foul mood, and the test badger woke
> up murderously angry, requiring a hasty launch of FleshGolem to get the
> beast under control. It is highly recommended to have the computer close
> at hand during the incantation.
>
> If the badger isn't responding correctly, you may need to make some
> configuration adjustments via Telnet; instructions are in the VüDü
> manual.
>
> If the badger does not respond at all to the boot incantation, call
> Twisted Faces' tech support. Make sure to try all other troubleshooting
> options first. After two free calls, tech support will cost you an arm
> and a leg . . . and they'll only accept fresh, gangrene-free limbs.
>
> DISCLAIMER: No badgers or Macintoshes were harmed in the course of this
> test installation. Your results may vary. Please note that zombie
> badgers are banned in many municipalities in California and Wisconsin;
> zombie badgers must remain leashed at all times in Texas.
> Zombie badgers can move at great speeds, and are prone to sudden
> acceleration; use proper caution when driving your zombie badger. Do not
> allow your zombie badger to consume mushrooms or African snakes, or your
> badger may emit catchy techno music. Do not taunt zombie badgers.
> Prolonged use of a zombie badger may cause acne, insomnia, leprosy,
> unusual weather, or the end of time. Please dispose of your zombie
> badgers properly; consult your local recycling company for proper
> disposal protocols.
>
> Copyright © 2004 Lucy A. Snyder
>
> *****Don't Cry Because It's Over...Smile Because It Happened.*****
>
>
Hee hee, I love it! My other box is a dual boot winxp & suse linux 9.3
Alex
| |
| John Husvar 2005-12-28, 10:57 am |
| In article <10732-43B1D185-1076@storefull-3231.bay.webtv.net>,
OLTICK@webtv.net (GT Tick) wrote:
> NOTE: John, Jim, Alex...I'm sharing this so that the New Year will
> 'not' bring you complete boredom and a lack of Chicken Soup for your
> soles.
>
> NOTE 2: You may have to contact Michael to supply the badger.
> ---
> ---
> Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User's Notes
>
They forgot one essential warning:
Do NOT attempt to install this linux badger program on any Mac that is
running OS X (10.4.*) Panther!
The two are completely incompatible and will each attempt to take
control of all CPU cycles, hanging the system irretrievably!
Especially do NOT install FleshGolem (any version) without the BSD
Subsystem installed and Classic Mode enabled.
DAMHIKT (Now where's that damn arm and leg regeneration spell?)
| |
| GT Tick 2005-12-28, 5:58 pm |
| I'm glad you enjoyed it Cord. I'm sure your friends can find a dead
badger, or badger like animal, in or near the Black Forest. I'm almost
sure I saw one peering from a large cuckoo clock when I was in Titisee a
few years ago. Either that or the snapps was playing games with me.
Greetings from North East Texas and have a great New Year.
Tick
---
---
Re: OT: Installing Linux on a Dead Badger
Group: alt.support.mult-sclerosis Date: Wed, Dec 28, 2005, 10:14am
(CST+7) From: smarty@gaz.de (Cord=A0D.=A0Mittauer)
On Tue, 27 Dec 2005 17:43:01 -0600, GT Tick wrote:
Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User's Notes
This is just great. I will print it and show it to my Linux-User-Group
in Kaiserslautern.
Greetings from Germany
Cord
*****Don't Cry Because It's Over...Smile Because It Happened.*****
| |
| Cord D. Mittauer 2005-12-28, 5:59 pm |
| GT Tick wrote on 28/12/2005:
> I'm glad you enjoyed it Cord.
It is just great. I will try to translate it, because some younger members
do not understand englisch that good.
> I'm sure your friends can find a dead
> badger, or badger like animal, in or near the Black Forest.
The german word for badger is "dachs". I live in the K-town county and we
have badgers in the forests.
> I'm almost sure I saw one peering from a large cuckoo clock when I was
> in Titisee a few years ago. Either that or the snapps was playing games
> with me.
I have a very good friend in Freiburg, which is considered tobe the
capital of the black forest. The black forest is a beautiful area.
What kind of schnapps did you drink? -- The famous schnapps made of wild
cherries? (Kirschwasser)
Linux is addictive and it keeps your brain going. I am going to the next
level which is called FreeBSD. You have to live near by a cemetary and
you have to place a candle in your living-room-window when you install
FreeBSD.
You have to say the following ten times, while you turn on you computer:
Just because I am suffering from MS, does not mean, that I have to use
software labeled with MS, such as MS-Windows. There is one way to help a
Computer suffering from MS -- install Debian-Linux or FreeBSD.
I will help other people, that are forced to use MS-Products by showing
them how to use Linux or FreeBSD.
Greetings from Germany
Cord
--
Enttäuscht vom Affen schuf Gott den Menschen. Danach verzichtete er
auf alle weiteren Experimente.
--Mark Twain
| |
| QQQte@webtv.net 2005-12-29, 1:03 am |
| good grief tick have you gone over the edge.? sounds like a texas bagger
got you by the butt and is tangled in your long handled under ware....
as if i knew what the heck your talkin about:-) unless it's soup or
somthin... dory
|
| |
|
|