Multiple sclerosis support - AMWW#104: THE BEFORE GUY

Author

AMWW#104: THE BEFORE GUY

AbeMunder

2004-10-26, 10:08 pm

AMWW#104: THE BEFORE GUY
by Abe Munder, the Wheeled Wonder
(AbeMunder@aol.com)

FROM THE READER MAILBAG:
Dear Abe,
Please tell me how to latch onto some of those righteous columnist bucks that
you bring home. Each week when I see you surrounded by leggy supermodels and
red Corvettes, I throw up my hands, thinking, "It can't be his personality."
Any advice for the would-be columnist just starting out?
Just out of J-School

Dearest J-School,
So you noticed the chicks are digging the chassis, huh? And I ain't talking
about the wheels, know what I'm say-ung! But it has little to do with writing
a column. Nay-nay, writing a column pays a pittance. Researching, writing and
editing a column takes several hours. Selling the column to a national
syndicate is about as easy as winning the lottery, so I have to sell individual
pieces to every newspaper editor, often for as little as $10-$20 per article.
Factor in the selling involved, and column-writing doesn't pay much more than
minimum wage. The source of my riches comes from elsewhere.

Have you ever heard of parts models? These are people who are deemed to have
particularly attractive body parts. Attractive hands, feet, legs, arms and
probably anything else you can think of. What goes into an attractive arm, a
pleasing foot? Beats me, but there are people making good money doing this
stuff.

Me, I'm a niche player. I do many of those As Seen On TV commercials for new
inventions. I am something of a hands model. "Palsied hands model
extraordinaire" is what it says on my card. In the business, they call me the
Before Guy. No doubt you are familiar with my hands, which are always filmed
in black and white. Do you recognize any of my work:

-- In one, the voice over says: "Tightening nuts and bolts the old way is an
exercise in frustration ..." Here you see my hand turning a wrench, banging
against a nearby corner and throwing the wrench down in pain and anger.

-- In another, "Shaving the old way was a gooey mess. Ouch!" Here my hand
digs a rusty potato peeler of a razor into the side of my cheek. Then I nick
off my fingertip. Hey, that job paid benefits.

-- Another, "Cutting hair the old way was always a gamble ... uneven edges and
worse. Yow!" That was the shoot where I bored the electric razor into the
scalp model. His name was Yow. Don't worry, I took him to lunch afterward.

I'm known up and down Madison Avenue as a 24-7 professional. What most crews
don't realize is that after the director yells "Cut" I am still in my part.
"Abe, here's a steaming fresh cup of coffee," the production assistant says.
"Thanks," I chirp and promptly dump the cup down my shirttails. "Man, you're
the best we've ever seen," remark the grips and gaffers. With my MS, I am the
Before Guy both on and off screen. I live my art, man.

So take your facile hands, you dandies who tie your ties every morning before
work. Take your smooth hands, you lotharios who can unclasp a woman's
brassiere like the smooth blink of an eye. And take your precise hands, you
middling neurosurgeons with your microscopic instruments and your compulsive
need to dot every I and cross every T. The Before Guy has got you all beat,
and lo, how he pities you. As long as there is a Ronco--no, as long as there
are inventors who embody the enterprising human spirit (and can afford
late-night infomercials)--the Before Guy is going to be raking in the dough!

Why, only yesterday I winced during the read-through of my latest script.
Another food processor commercial. These things come out all the time. Suck
it up, big boy, I told myself, that's why you're making the big Abe Munder
bucks.

The director called Action, and they started the voice-over. "Making julienne
fries the old way was time-consuming--sometimes even hazardous!" On cue, I
took a breath and rammed my hand in the food processor.

Wheee-irrrrrr, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Chugga.

Eww, exclaimed the crew.

No problem, I said, smiling. Just to show them, I raised my arm and waved to
them with the food processor stuck to my hand. No localized sensations, I
cracked, MS! For levity, I bonked myself twice in the head.

Ha-ha-ha. The crew applauded. You got us!

That's right. The Before Guy strikes again.

Abe Munder, the Wheeled Wonder - "Making the world safe for Disability"
http://members.aol.com/abemunder/index.htm

Kelly

2004-10-27, 11:08 am

There is not a font large enough for the LOL I need to type. This is
one for the record books---Thanks Abe, you made my whole month!! Kelly

abemunder@aol.com (AbeMunder) wrote in message news:<20041026230204.23728.00002531@mb-m12.aol.com>...
> AMWW#104: THE BEFORE GUY
> by Abe Munder, the Wheeled Wonder
> (AbeMunder@aol.com)
>
> FROM THE READER MAILBAG:
> Dear Abe,
> Please tell me how to latch onto some of those righteous columnist bucks that
> you bring home. Each week when I see you surrounded by leggy supermodels and
> red Corvettes, I throw up my hands, thinking, "It can't be his personality."
> Any advice for the would-be columnist just starting out?
> Just out of J-School
>
> Dearest J-School,
> So you noticed the chicks are digging the chassis, huh? And I ain't talking
> about the wheels, know what I'm say-ung! But it has little to do with writing
> a column. Nay-nay, writing a column pays a pittance. Researching, writing and
> editing a column takes several hours. Selling the column to a national
> syndicate is about as easy as winning the lottery, so I have to sell individual
> pieces to every newspaper editor, often for as little as $10-$20 per article.
> Factor in the selling involved, and column-writing doesn't pay much more than
> minimum wage. The source of my riches comes from elsewhere.
>
> Have you ever heard of parts models? These are people who are deemed to have
> particularly attractive body parts. Attractive hands, feet, legs, arms and
> probably anything else you can think of. What goes into an attractive arm, a
> pleasing foot? Beats me, but there are people making good money doing this
> stuff.
>
> Me, I'm a niche player. I do many of those As Seen On TV commercials for new
> inventions. I am something of a hands model. "Palsied hands model
> extraordinaire" is what it says on my card. In the business, they call me the
> Before Guy. No doubt you are familiar with my hands, which are always filmed
> in black and white. Do you recognize any of my work:
>
> -- In one, the voice over says: "Tightening nuts and bolts the old way is an
> exercise in frustration ..." Here you see my hand turning a wrench, banging
> against a nearby corner and throwing the wrench down in pain and anger.
>
> -- In another, "Shaving the old way was a gooey mess. Ouch!" Here my hand
> digs a rusty potato peeler of a razor into the side of my cheek. Then I nick
> off my fingertip. Hey, that job paid benefits.
>
> -- Another, "Cutting hair the old way was always a gamble ... uneven edges and
> worse. Yow!" That was the shoot where I bored the electric razor into the
> scalp model. His name was Yow. Don't worry, I took him to lunch afterward.
>
> I'm known up and down Madison Avenue as a 24-7 professional. What most crews
> don't realize is that after the director yells "Cut" I am still in my part.
> "Abe, here's a steaming fresh cup of coffee," the production assistant says.
> "Thanks," I chirp and promptly dump the cup down my shirttails. "Man, you're
> the best we've ever seen," remark the grips and gaffers. With my MS, I am the
> Before Guy both on and off screen. I live my art, man.
>
> So take your facile hands, you dandies who tie your ties every morning before
> work. Take your smooth hands, you lotharios who can unclasp a woman's
> brassiere like the smooth blink of an eye. And take your precise hands, you
> middling neurosurgeons with your microscopic instruments and your compulsive
> need to dot every I and cross every T. The Before Guy has got you all beat,
> and lo, how he pities you. As long as there is a Ronco--no, as long as there
> are inventors who embody the enterprising human spirit (and can afford
> late-night infomercials)--the Before Guy is going to be raking in the dough!
>
> Why, only yesterday I winced during the read-through of my latest script.
> Another food processor commercial. These things come out all the time. Suck
> it up, big boy, I told myself, that's why you're making the big Abe Munder
> bucks.
>
> The director called Action, and they started the voice-over. "Making julienne
> fries the old way was time-consuming--sometimes even hazardous!" On cue, I
> took a breath and rammed my hand in the food processor.
>
> Wheee-irrrrrr, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Chugga.
>
> Eww, exclaimed the crew.
>
> No problem, I said, smiling. Just to show them, I raised my arm and waved to
> them with the food processor stuck to my hand. No localized sensations, I
> cracked, MS! For levity, I bonked myself twice in the head.
>
> Ha-ha-ha. The crew applauded. You got us!
>
> That's right. The Before Guy strikes again.
>
>
>
>
>
> Abe Munder, the Wheeled Wonder - "Making the world safe for Disability"
> http://members.aol.com/abemunder/index.htm