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| tangerine 2006-06-04, 9:15 am |
| Hello Everyone,
I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very
painful physically and emotionally. I'm still not feeling great. I've
been doing internet research but I think this is confusing me even
more. In addition to the confustion I'm scared, angry, embarrased. I'm
in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my
life. I'd appreciate any help/support.
| |
| Yoshi2me 2006-06-04, 9:15 am |
| You are certainly not alone! Be sure and check out the SSNA because I think
I posted a brand new 50's group on there... it's either here:
http://www.yoshi2me.com/herpes-hpv-ssna.html OR here:
http://www.yoshi2me.com/link-exchange.html -- I couldn't remember which page
I placed my link back. I may have even placed a link back here:
http://www.yoshi2me.com/pup/resources.html
Don't hesitate to ask questions here and please know that you are not alone,
k?
*Hugs*
Angela 
--
Herpes Help
http://www.yoshi2me.com/index.html
STD Message Board
http://yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php
Picking Up the Pieces
http://yoshi2me.com/pup/index.html
"tangerine" <Iktomesweb@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1148906150.050427.153320@38g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
> Hello Everyone,
> I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very
> painful physically and emotionally. I'm still not feeling great. I've
> been doing internet research but I think this is confusing me even
> more. In addition to the confustion I'm scared, angry, embarrased. I'm
> in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my
> life. I'd appreciate any help/support.
| |
|
| You've come to the right place for help and support. I'm sorry about your
recent diagnosis. It must be awful to have to deal with this NOW in your
life. Of course, I got mine when I was 20. So, just different ends of the
spectrum, I suppose.
The internet can be very confusing. I suggest you ask your questions here.
We've pretty much weeded out the garbage of bad info. Let us know what your
questions are.
I see that Yoshi has responded to you. I haven't read her post yet but she
generally posts some great links to accurate information.
Take care,
ar
"tangerine" <Iktomesweb@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1148906150.050427.153320@38g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
> Hello Everyone,
> I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very
> painful physically and emotionally. I'm still not feeling great. I've
> been doing internet research but I think this is confusing me even
> more. In addition to the confustion I'm scared, angry, embarrased. I'm
> in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my
> life. I'd appreciate any help/support.
>
| |
| tangerine 2006-06-04, 9:15 am |
| Thanks Angela and Grant. It's such a relief to know that I can discuss
things freely here and that I have support. I have applied to the over
50's agoup and am awaiting acceptance. I think I will find that group
very helpful.
For now, I am very apprehensive about future outbreaks. I understand
that that subsequent outbreaks should not be as severe as the first one
but I am dreading an outbread even 1/4 as bad.
My partner (who I got the virus from) was unaware he had it. What does
this mean for future sexual activity whit him? How will we know when he
has an outbreak?
Thanks again, you guys are great.
R
| |
|
| Well, as you already have it now, you really don't need to worry about when
he might be having outbreaks. Obviously he feels nothing or shows no
outward sign. There's not much he can do about that.
Yes, further outbreaks might not be as bad. But they may be bad for a year
or so. It really depends on you and your immune system. I suggest a
healthy lifestyle with lots of rest and exercise and eating right in order
to help your body fight the virus.
There are also a few different antivirals out there. Talk to your doctor
about them. You should have a prescription. Start taking them the minute
you feel an outbreak coming on. They will really help lessen the intensity
and duration of the outbreak. I have never used the meds, but that is what
I understand from the people who do.
Take care,
ar
"tangerine" <Iktomesweb@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1148986466.508232.120390@j33g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
> Thanks Angela and Grant. It's such a relief to know that I can discuss
> things freely here and that I have support. I have applied to the over
> 50's agoup and am awaiting acceptance. I think I will find that group
> very helpful.
>
> For now, I am very apprehensive about future outbreaks. I understand
> that that subsequent outbreaks should not be as severe as the first one
> but I am dreading an outbread even 1/4 as bad.
>
> My partner (who I got the virus from) was unaware he had it. What does
> this mean for future sexual activity whit him? How will we know when he
> has an outbreak?
>
> Thanks again, you guys are great.
> R
>
| |
| tangerine 2006-06-04, 9:15 am |
| Thanks again, Grant. This may sound like a stupid question but I need
to ask it. What do you mean by 'feel an outbreak coming on'? What will
I feel? How will I know?
R
grant wrote:[vbcol=seagreen]
> Well, as you already have it now, you really don't need to worry about when
> he might be having outbreaks. Obviously he feels nothing or shows no
> outward sign. There's not much he can do about that.
>
> Yes, further outbreaks might not be as bad. But they may be bad for a year
> or so. It really depends on you and your immune system. I suggest a
> healthy lifestyle with lots of rest and exercise and eating right in order
> to help your body fight the virus.
>
> There are also a few different antivirals out there. Talk to your doctor
> about them. You should have a prescription. Start taking them the minute
> you feel an outbreak coming on. They will really help lessen the intensity
> and duration of the outbreak. I have never used the meds, but that is what
> I understand from the people who do.
>
> Take care,
> ar
>
> "tangerine" <Iktomesweb@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:1148986466.508232.120390@j33g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
| |
|
| That's not a stupid question at all.
There are a couple of standard ways people know they have an outbreak
getting ready to happen. This early warning is called prodrome. Here's
some info I copied off the internet for you:
Signs of an Oncoming Outbreak: Prodrome
The state or set of symptoms that precede a Herpes outbreak is called
"prodrome." The first sign of an upcoming occurrence, prodrome can occur
from 30 minutes to a few days prior to an outbreak. Prodrome may include
tingling, itching, and/or burning sensations at the site of impending
outbreak, and/or shooting pains, numbness, aches, or other sensations in the
lower back, buttocks, or thighs (in genital infections). Other possible
symptoms are fever, headaches, soreness, and swollen lymph nodes. Prodrome
may also include an onset of listlessness and irritability, as well as
increased sensitivity to environmental factors. When these symptoms are
present, the Herpes Virus is active and risk of transmission is high.
Some people feel a few or many of the above Prodrome sensations from time to
time without having full-blown outbreaks or any visible signs. Again, even
though there may be no visible symptoms, the virus is active at these times,
and precautions should be taken to avoid transmission. Others have some or
all of these symptoms, with or without outbreaks, or after outbreaks, that
last for days, weeks, or months in some cases. This is called Post-Herpetic
Neuralgia.
Hi, me again. As my early warning, I get neuralgia. They say that's
supposed to happen after the outbreak but for me, it happens first. My
neuralgia is pretty painful. But lately, I notice I get a sensitivity on
the bottom of one of my feet that alerts me to an oncoming outbreak.
ar
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-04, 9:15 am |
| Tangerine,
I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You definitely aren't alone!
Hang in there! I'm sure you've already read that your first outbreak is
almost always the worst outbreak you'll ever have. Did they type the
virus? Type-1 tends to be much milder genitally than type-2, and 40% of
all people with genital HSV-1 get no other ob's after their initial,
50% get 1-2 ob's over the next 1-2 years and then none, and only about
10% get more outbreaks than that. Since 60-90% of all people have
type-1 and 20-25% of all people have type-2, it would be very helpful
to find out which type you have so you can be more informed if you
choose to disclose to partners.
Type-2 can be just as mild if you have that though, but there is a
much greater range of frequency and severity of outbreaks. For either
type, you can take Valtrex to either suppress outbreaks or to treat
them when they begin to occur.
As an aside, I wouldn't rely too much on Angela for support. She was
rude and cursed at me because I have been hesitant to disclose my
type-1 because I don't know where my infection is located. I don't
think she's very supportive of people with type-1 because she herself
has type-2, but maybe you'll come to a different conclusion than me.
Hang in there!
~Eric
tangerine wrote:
> Hello Everyone,
> I was diagnosed in late April. My first outbreat was horrible - very
> painful physically and emotionally. I'm still not feeling great. I've
> been doing internet research but I think this is confusing me even
> more. In addition to the confustion I'm scared, angry, embarrased. I'm
> in my 50's and cannot believe this has happened at this point in my
> life. I'd appreciate any help/support.
| |
|
| Hi Erik,
I have type 1 genital herpes. I must admit, I have met with some...bias
against people with type 1. Some type 2s tend to believe we have it so easy
and that whatever we have to say on herpes should be ignored because we
don't REALLY know how it must be for them. I have had people in this group
try to discredit me because I have type 1. However, my type 1 genital
herpes knocked me off my feet and kept me in bed for a long time because my
outbreaks were so severe. And we all know the emotional and psychological
toll is the same, whether we have type 1 or type 2.
I've been with this group for well over a decade and I apologize if you've
received any negative treatment from the people here in this group. It's a
very strange thing when we herpes sufferers actually turn against each
other. How can we expect to forge understanding and compassion from those
who don't have it if we have to deal with it against ourselves? Anyone who
believes type 1s don't deserve the same consideration as type 2s is just
plain incorrect.
However, that being said, because we are trying to forge alliances amongst
ourselves, I humbly request you refrain from speaking negatively about
another member of this group. An open discussion about the problem would be
welcome. That way we can dispell the misunderstandings each of us might
have.
I would welcome a chance to work with you to help type 2s understand it
doesn't matter if it is type 1 or 2...it's still herpes and that comes with
pain, embarrassment, and relationship issues.
Take care,
ar
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-04, 9:15 am |
| Hi ar,
I'm glad I found you because I might be asking you a lot of questions
:-) I have encountered exactly what you mentioned with type-2's
thinking that we type-1's somehow get off easier. There's no need to
apologize--I'm brand new to this group and I think it will be much more
supportive than some other groups out there. I agree with you that we
can't afford to turn on each other. I am just new to this and I can't
believe the lack of consideration of a few people with type-2 against
us type-1 sufferers.
In spite of this, I would love nothing more than to work with you to
try to try to dispel misunderstandings and misconceptions of herpes
type-1, and in spite of past mistreatments, I'm not here to negatively
criticize other members. I only hope to be able to work to put hsv-1 in
a new light, even among long-time herpes supporters and patient
advocates who too often are either consciously or subconsciously
disparaging of us type-1 sufferers.
Thank you,
~Eric
grant wrote:
> Hi Erik,
>
> I have type 1 genital herpes. I must admit, I have met with some...bias
> against people with type 1. Some type 2s tend to believe we have it so easy
> and that whatever we have to say on herpes should be ignored because we
> don't REALLY know how it must be for them. I have had people in this group
> try to discredit me because I have type 1. However, my type 1 genital
> herpes knocked me off my feet and kept me in bed for a long time because my
> outbreaks were so severe. And we all know the emotional and psychological
> toll is the same, whether we have type 1 or type 2.
>
> I've been with this group for well over a decade and I apologize if you've
> received any negative treatment from the people here in this group. It's a
> very strange thing when we herpes sufferers actually turn against each
> other. How can we expect to forge understanding and compassion from those
> who don't have it if we have to deal with it against ourselves? Anyone who
> believes type 1s don't deserve the same consideration as type 2s is just
> plain incorrect.
>
> However, that being said, because we are trying to forge alliances amongst
> ourselves, I humbly request you refrain from speaking negatively about
> another member of this group. An open discussion about the problem would be
> welcome. That way we can dispell the misunderstandings each of us might
> have.
>
> I would welcome a chance to work with you to help type 2s understand it
> doesn't matter if it is type 1 or 2...it's still herpes and that comes with
> pain, embarrassment, and relationship issues.
>
> Take care,
> ar
| |
| tangerine 2006-06-04, 9:15 am |
| Thanks, Grant and Eric. I have type-2, that much I know. I was on
Valtrex for 10 days. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and
will ask about continuing on a low dose of the medication. Any thoughts
on that?
R
ejk235@gmail.com wrote:[vbcol=seagreen]
> Hi ar,
>
> I'm glad I found you because I might be asking you a lot of questions
> :-) I have encountered exactly what you mentioned with type-2's
> thinking that we type-1's somehow get off easier. There's no need to
> apologize--I'm brand new to this group and I think it will be much more
> supportive than some other groups out there. I agree with you that we
> can't afford to turn on each other. I am just new to this and I can't
> believe the lack of consideration of a few people with type-2 against
> us type-1 sufferers.
>
> In spite of this, I would love nothing more than to work with you to
> try to try to dispel misunderstandings and misconceptions of herpes
> type-1, and in spite of past mistreatments, I'm not here to negatively
> criticize other members. I only hope to be able to work to put hsv-1 in
> a new light, even among long-time herpes supporters and patient
> advocates who too often are either consciously or subconsciously
> disparaging of us type-1 sufferers.
>
> Thank you,
>
> ~Eric
>
> grant wrote:
| |
|
| GREAT, Erik! Glad to have you here.
Ah...college...yes, I was 20 when I got my herpes--from my first lover. Oh
goody. So glad I waited so long to have sex! Hahahaha. Oh well. I must
say it was a bit scary getting divorced after 17 years with one person and
then suddenly being single with herpes at age 40. But this is what I have
been given and now I'm making the best of it.
Take care,
ar
| |
|
| Hi Tangerine,
It's really up to you.
Back when I got herpes, the meds weren't available, so I just really never
used them. Others find them to be a great comfort. They appear to be
rather safe with minimal side effects. See what the doctor says. You may
want to get yourself a prescription and then hang on to it and see if you
really need it. But at least you'll have it in case you do.
ar
"tangerine" <Iktomesweb@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1149210823.314250.100310@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
> Thanks, Grant and Eric. I have type-2, that much I know. I was on
> Valtrex for 10 days. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and
> will ask about continuing on a low dose of the medication. Any thoughts
> on that?
> R
| |
| Yoshi2me 2006-06-07, 4:25 pm |
| Hello Eric ~
First of all ~ it's extremely irresponsible and immature to continue your
attempts at bashing me on the internet. I've been around a lot longer (since
1997) than you and everybody that knows me knows enough to know that I am a
strong patient advocate when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases - and
especially Herpes.
Everybody that knows me well also knows that I do not condone purposefully
keeping information from a potential partner. Your description as to how I
reacted to you is a bit over the top but that's to be expected I guess since
you were indeed banned from participating further on Picking Up the Pieces.
So, I understand your need to be pitiful and angry.. taking responsibility
it a big adult step for you so it's understandable that you would act this
way.
Angela
--
Herpes Help
http://www.yoshi2me.com/index.html
STD Message Board
http://yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php
Picking Up the Pieces
http://yoshi2me.com/pup/index.html
<ejk235@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1149174801.068351.71270@g10g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> As an aside, I wouldn't rely too much on Angela for support. She was
> rude and cursed at me because I have been hesitant to disclose my
> type-1 because I don't know where my infection is located. I don't
> think she's very supportive of people with type-1 because she herself
> has type-2, but maybe you'll come to a different conclusion than me.
>
> Hang in there!
>
> ~Eric
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-08, 4:25 pm |
| Angela,
You apparently did not read the last post by Grant where the point is
raised about people with herpes "turning against one another" as well
as people with hsv-2 viewing those with hsv-1 in a completely different
light, nor did you read my reply about not negatively attacking people
on here. I am not here to argue with you, I'm here to offer support and
get support.
I have no idea why you continue to have no respect for me because I
have type-1 instead of type-2 which you have. Your comment about the
"big adult step" isn't very supportive is it? Just because I have a
different type than you and because I hold different opinions than you,
you feel the shameless need to demonize me and personally attack me.
And you do this under the guise of being a "herpes patient advocate".
Tell me what is required to get the title of a "patient advocate"? I
don't know what if any educational background is necessary, but doesn't
it make sense that the person would be a positive, open-minded,
tolerant, compassionate, and supportive person willing to help both
physically and emotionally hurting people? How does continuing to
personally attack someone with the same affliction you have (yes, we
hsv-1 people suffer physically and emotionally just as much as hsv-2
people do) fit into the job description of a "herpes patient advocate"?
Perhaps you should change it to "hsv-2 patient advocate"..
I am aware that you have been involved in herpes support groups for
several years and I think your intentions to help the hsv-2 crowd are
admirable. But I think you have some long-standing misconceptions and
misunderstandings about hsv-1, and I would love nothing more than to
work with you, in a POSITIVE way, to help you understand how to also be
supportive of people with type-1 as well. I repeat, we suffer
emotionally and physically just as much as you do. Please, let's put
aside our differences and I will do everything I can to work with you
to erase the prejudicial and extremely hurtful views against the
genital hsv-1 minority crowd.
I want to work with you you to make a difference, we shouldn't be
turning on each other.
Have a good day!
~Eric
Yoshi2me wrote:[vbcol=seagreen]
> Hello Eric ~
>
> First of all ~ it's extremely irresponsible and immature to continue your
> attempts at bashing me on the internet. I've been around a lot longer (since
> 1997) than you and everybody that knows me knows enough to know that I am a
> strong patient advocate when it comes to sexually transmitted diseases - and
> especially Herpes.
>
> Everybody that knows me well also knows that I do not condone purposefully
> keeping information from a potential partner. Your description as to how I
> reacted to you is a bit over the top but that's to be expected I guess since
> you were indeed banned from participating further on Picking Up the Pieces.
> So, I understand your need to be pitiful and angry.. taking responsibility
> it a big adult step for you so it's understandable that you would act this
> way.
>
> Angela
>
> --
> Herpes Help
> http://www.yoshi2me.com/index.html
>
> STD Message Board
> http://yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php
>
> Picking Up the Pieces
> http://yoshi2me.com/pup/index.html
>
> <ejk235@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1149174801.068351.71270@g10g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
| |
|
| Hi Eric,
From what Angela wrote, she said nothing about type 1 and 2. But instead,
she mentioned you don't believe you have to disclose your herpes status to
potential partners. Is that true? If it is, you will find little support
in this group. I would like to discuss this issue and see what the truth
is. Perhaps we can work on a few misconceptions you might have before we
tackle the HSV community in general.
ar
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-08, 4:25 pm |
| Grant,
I think personally that there are some practical and humanistic
reasons to disclose hsv-1. I personally agree with Dr. H and I don't
believe that people with hsv-1 have an ethical decision to disclose to
their partners based on the fact that the vast majority of the
population already has type-1 and the vast majority is transmitted in a
non-sexual manner. But I repeat, I think there are certainly practical
and humanistic reasons to tell a potential partner, in particular
because if you love them you won't want to hurt them. I personally find
it impossible to tell a partner, "I have herpes", "I'm still a virgin",
and I have no idea where it is located so I don't know what I can and
cannot do with you and not have them think I am either a liar or
promiscuous, both of which will preclude any type of relationship..
Because I haven't immediately said in a knee-jerk manner "I will tell
everyone" of something my doctor hasn't even diagnosed the location of
yet, some "patient advocates" have comdemned me as "having no respect
for myself or for anyone else". Instead, I prefer to read about it, get
different physician's opinions, and form my OWN conclusion..I'm smart
enough to do that I think..
Based on frequency, severity, shedding data, etc., I think everyone
with hsv-2 should disclose hsv-2 to their partners.
I think we can move on to tackle her misconceptions now..
~Eric
grant wrote:
> Hi Eric,
>
> From what Angela wrote, she said nothing about type 1 and 2. But instead,
> she mentioned you don't believe you have to disclose your herpes status to
> potential partners. Is that true? If it is, you will find little support
> in this group. I would like to discuss this issue and see what the truth
> is. Perhaps we can work on a few misconceptions you might have before we
> tackle the HSV community in general.
>
> ar
| |
| Yoshi2me 2006-06-08, 4:25 pm |
| Eric (aka: ejk) is actually the first and only person I have run into (that
I can remember) in my entire time on the internet (since about 1997) that
has come out insisting that one does not ever have to disclose his herpes
status to a potential *sexual* partner. He's gone so far as to attempt to
get the backing of the scientific community on this one as well... and it's
no wonder us patient advocates have a hard time getting the word out on how
to be open and honest with a potential partner, or how to talk about stds
before you have sex, or discuss std testing if you can before you have sex.
He's made the rounds on several message boards and I'm sure will continue to
grasp at straws until he finds somebody (anybody) that will tell him it's
"ok" to keep your STD status to yourself with any and all of your potential
*sexual* partners. Oh and just so you know... Eric (aka: ejk) has no idea if
he has oral herpes type-1 OR genital herpes type-1 (according to him). But
hey... if you guys can work together to tackle those misconceptions about
the herpes virus then maybe the light bulb will turn on in Eric's head and
he'll realize what we've been trying to tell him over on Picking Up the
Pieces for months now...
Oh and just in case there was any doubt... everybody that knows me also
knows that when it comes to herpes it makes no difference if you have
type-1, type-2, or both... it's HERPES and you're going to get all the help
you are seeking no matter which type you have OR have decided to classify
yourself as having.
Good luck working with Eric (aka: ejk) Ar... maybe you will have better luck
getting through to him than Betsy, Myself and others did...
Angela
--
"By opening up to a partner and talking about an STD diagnosis you are
showing that you respect and care about yourself as well as the other
person."
Herpes Help
http://www.yoshi2me.com/index.html
STD Message Board
http://yoshi2me.com/phpbb/index.php
Picking Up the Pieces
http://yoshi2me.com/pup/index.html
"grant" <noname@tampabay.rr.com> wrote in message
news:LNXhg.6810$Ui7.1265@tornado.tampabay.rr.com...
> Hi Eric,
>
> From what Angela wrote, she said nothing about type 1 and 2. But instead,
> she mentioned you don't believe you have to disclose your herpes status to
> potential partners. Is that true? If it is, you will find little support
> in this group. I would like to discuss this issue and see what the truth
> is. Perhaps we can work on a few misconceptions you might have before we
> tackle the HSV community in general.
>
> ar
| |
|
| Hi Eric,
I'll be honest with you. I have sometimes thought about downplaying my
genital type 1 or even not mentioning it. I think it is honest to say many
people with herpes will fantasize about that!
But, then I think about the consequences.
So, let's talk about you. Let's say you have oral type 1. And you perform
oral sex on your partner and give her genital herpes. Was that fair? Do
you think she's going to think it's okay because so many people have type 1
anyway...Nope. She's going to think that you didn't disclose your herpes
status and knowingly gave her an std. This is very bad.
Let's say you have genital type 1 and you date someone who does not have the
virus. Kissing is certainly okay. But then what if she performs oral sex
on you and gets oral type 1. Do you think that having those awful cold
sores all over her mouth is going to make her think it was okay for you not
to let her know this was a possibility? The embarrassment alone is killer.
This is very bad.
Let's say you are dating a woman who has a compromised immune system. She
might not even know it. Or, let's say she's taking a course of steroids for
another medical reason. Now, you don't tell her you have herpes and manage
to pass it on to her in some way. Wow. You just took a minor
inconvenience, passed it on to someone else and ruined their health. This
is really bad.
Three scenarios. All three had a negative outcome. It is not up to us to
decide the health of anyone else. It is their decision--not ours.
I have heard all the arguments for not disclosing type 1. Believe me, I've
heard them. But the bottom line is that no matter how you slice it, it's
wrong to not tell someone. ESPECIALLY since you don't know where yours is
located. Tough situation, I understand that. But, please, understand we've
been living with herpes for a very long time and we've seen a lot of people
come and go through this group. The verdict: ALWAYS TELL.
Take care,
ar
<ejk235@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1149784237.012186.32820@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
> Grant,
>
> I think personally that there are some practical and humanistic
> reasons to disclose hsv-1. I personally agree with Dr. H and I don't
> believe that people with hsv-1 have an ethical decision to disclose to
> their partners based on the fact that the vast majority of the
> population already has type-1 and the vast majority is transmitted in a
> non-sexual manner. But I repeat, I think there are certainly practical
> and humanistic reasons to tell a potential partner, in particular
> because if you love them you won't want to hurt them. I personally find
> it impossible to tell a partner, "I have herpes", "I'm still a virgin",
> and I have no idea where it is located so I don't know what I can and
> cannot do with you and not have them think I am either a liar or
> promiscuous, both of which will preclude any type of relationship..
>
> Because I haven't immediately said in a knee-jerk manner "I will tell
> everyone" of something my doctor hasn't even diagnosed the location of
> yet, some "patient advocates" have comdemned me as "having no respect
> for myself or for anyone else". Instead, I prefer to read about it, get
> different physician's opinions, and form my OWN conclusion..I'm smart
> enough to do that I think..
>
> Based on frequency, severity, shedding data, etc., I think everyone
> with hsv-2 should disclose hsv-2 to their partners.
>
> I think we can move on to tackle her misconceptions now..
>
> ~Eric
>
> grant wrote:
>
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-09, 2:28 am |
| Grant,
See I wish Angela could have talked to me as respectfully as you. I'm
uneasy with your first scenario because I have never had a coldsore in
my life. Life isn't fair--look at the tons of people running around
with coldsores who don't even know that they are a form of herpes.
Between sharing cups, getting kisses from grandma, or other casual
kisses, I honestly could tell you that I don't know how to not spread
oral hsv-1 between ob's.
Next scenario: I would hate it unbelievably to give someone oral
herpes. But I think this falls back to my first point. By the time we
are ready for the nursing home, > 90% of people have hsv-1. I don't
know that there is any specific and surefire way of preventing
transmission aside from no contact during an ob. From what I have read,
oral hsv-1 is ubiquitous and is most likely contracted before the age
of 3 in a totally non-sexual manner. I don't know that I can go through
life not kissing or not sharing cups with anyone simply because I might
have oral hsv-1.
Your third scenario is a really scary one to me. I honestly would want
nothing more than to protect people who are immunocompromised. Your
point resonates here. No kissing or sex with the immunocompromised, as
I'm sure they have been directed by their doc's.
Here's the bottom line for me: how can I tell somebody I have hsv-1 and
not give them a location of it? Clearly they will want to take
protective measures to avoid the virus, but they won't know what part
of me to avoid! They will think that I am either being dishonest or
that I am simply uneducated on the issue, either way will have a
negative outcome. If you can tell me what to say to a partner which
they will 1) believe, 2)not lose credibility or respect for me and
3)think I'm educated on herpes, based on my scenario, I would be
happier than you could imagine. You say tell ESPECIALLY because you
don't know where it's located. That's not good enough--you need to tell
me EXACTLY how to tell a partner that I am a virgin with an STD, that I
have hsv-1 but don't know where it is, that I am educated on the issue
and I'm not lying to them to cover for a shameful past or anything like
that based on these seemingly contradictory facts.
~Eric
[vbcol=seagreen]
> Hi Eric,
>
> I'll be honest with you. I have sometimes thought about downplaying my
> genital type 1 or even not mentioning it. I think it is honest to say many
> people with herpes will fantasize about that!
>
> But, then I think about the consequences.
>
> So, let's talk about you. Let's say you have oral type 1. And you perform
> oral sex on your partner and give her genital herpes. Was that fair? Do
> you think she's going to think it's okay because so many people have type 1
> anyway...Nope. She's going to think that you didn't disclose your herpes
> status and knowingly gave her an std. This is very bad.
>
> Let's say you have genital type 1 and you date someone who does not have the
> virus. Kissing is certainly okay. But then what if she performs oral sex
> on you and gets oral type 1. Do you think that having those awful cold
> sores all over her mouth is going to make her think it was okay for you not
> to let her know this was a possibility? The embarrassment alone is killer.
> This is very bad.
>
> Let's say you are dating a woman who has a compromised immune system. She
> might not even know it. Or, let's say she's taking a course of steroids for
> another medical reason. Now, you don't tell her you have herpes and manage
> to pass it on to her in some way. Wow. You just took a minor
> inconvenience, passed it on to someone else and ruined their health. This
> is really bad.
>
> Three scenarios. All three had a negative outcome. It is not up to us to
> decide the health of anyone else. It is their decision--not ours.
>
> I have heard all the arguments for not disclosing type 1. Believe me, I've
> heard them. But the bottom line is that no matter how you slice it, it's
> wrong to not tell someone. ESPECIALLY since you don't know where yours is
> located. Tough situation, I understand that. But, please, understand we've
> been living with herpes for a very long time and we've seen a lot of people
> come and go through this group. The verdict: ALWAYS TELL.
>
> Take care,
> ar
>
>
> <ejk235@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1149784237.012186.32820@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
| |
|
| Hi Eric,
Oh, I hear you! You really are in a pickle. And I'm glad my post came out
respectfully. Sometimes things get misinterpreted through our written word.
So thank you for understanding that was where I was coming from.
Let's see if I can create a scenario for you based on what I have
experienced in the more recent past. Remember, I was married for 17 years
and never seemed to pass the virus on so now I'm single and having to learn
how to date with an std! Blech. And at age 40. You're right, life isn't
fair.
First of all, I'm female. Grant is my last name. That might help to
understand these examples I'll give you.
When I am with a potential new partner, and it looks like things might
progress to the next level. This is what I say:
"We need to talk about stds because I have one. I have type 1 genital
herpes. Have you ever had a cold sore? (For our purposes today, I'll
respond no--more on that later) Okay, here's what you need to know. I have
had genital herpes for 20 years, which is good because it means my body is
less likely to shed the virus without symptoms. What is also good is that
it is very difficult to pass type 1 from genital to genital. So that
protects you. I have not had an outbreak in many years. However, there
might be a possibility that I also have oral herpes--cold sores. I've never
had a cold sore, but it is always a possibility. You need to understand if
I have oral herpes, I might be able to pass it on to your genitals during
oral sex. It is up to you if you wish to take that risk."
I do not know how to solve the kissing problem. Because, like you, I've
never had a cold sore, I generally don't say anything.
Here's what I've encountered back. The first man I told I had herpes said I
was worth the risk and married me.
After my divorce, the first man I had a relationship with turned out to have
type 2 herpes. He didn't care about my type 1 but I was actually a bit
worried about getting type 2.
The next man I was contemplating a relationship with said he had cold sores
when he was a child. So, it was a non-issue.
The third man was so misinformed about herpes that even though he had cold
sores as a child, he thought I could reinfect him. At first I tried to give
him the facts but he said his friends had told him something different. I
assured him I knew what I was talking about. But then I realized that it is
HIS choice as to what he wants to believe and what he wants to do. The
relationship ended pretty much with that. Remember, my ex-husband truly
loved me and didn't mind taken that risk--which puts things into perspective
for me.
And now I just don't bother dating.
If you were to encounter someone with an immune system problem, I would
suggest you get on a daily dose of valtrex. And then the two of you could
decide where to go from there. I would hate to say no kissing, ever! That
would be horrible. You are not a leper. Just someone who is aware of his
status. And you're right, so many people don't know anything about their
cold sores. It feels like we have this huge burden and they are walking
around ignorant and blissful.
As to what you could say to a potential partner:
"I was surprised to find out I have a virus considered by some to be an std.
I've never had any symptoms but I have it anyway. The problem is I don't
know where on my body it is located. The virus is type 1 herpes. Normally,
that would mean I get cold sores. But I've never had a cold sore. The
other most common location is genital. But again, I've never had an
outbreak. I've never been with anyone, so I can only assume I have it
orally. Have you ever had a cold sore? (if they say no) If I do have it
orally, I can pass it on to your genitals through oral sex so please
consider this carefully. However, if I have it genitally, it does not pass
from genital to genital easily. But I could pass it to your mouth through
oral sex. If you are worried, there are medications I can take which cut
the risk of transmission and if you wish, I can start taking those meds."
Anyway, that's right off the top of my head. But I think it covers all your
points.
I was 20 when I got type 1--through oral sex with someone who gets cold
sores. That means I didn't get it as a child. If I were you, I'd let go of
the statistics because they don't mean anything to the individual person.
If you were to say to me, your potential girlfriend, "Hey, 90% of the
population has it by the time they reach old age." I'd be pretty insulted.
We're not talking about the population, we're talking about ME. I'm sure
you can see the difference.
And if your potential partner gets cold sores, then there is no need to
worry. But she would need to still understand you have it somewhere on your
body.
And disclosing your viral status is about respect. Plain and simple. If
you don't respect the person enough to care about their health, then the
relationship is doomed to fail anyway.
Take care,
ar
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-09, 4:25 pm |
| Grant,
Your stories are helpful since I have never read any HSV-1 telling
stories before in my life! All I have ever found is HSV-2 stories. I
appreciate you giving them to me! I think that based upon my age though
when I tell it's going to always end up like the last person whose
"friends told him differently". Nobody my age knows or wants to know
any facts about the virus and will fight you to their death saying that
their coldsores are not herpes. Heck, my ex-gf told me they were
genetic and that she inherited them from her mother..get my point?
I have one major issue with what you have said, and I know it was off
the top of your head :-), I think it would sound great to tell a
potential partner (I am all for keeping it non-scary and low-key) but I
don't see at all how this helps my situation one bit. Even by telling
them in the nicest way in the world, they are still left with
uncertainty in location, which I am telling them to "consider
carefully". This is horribly bad because both the partner and myself
are going to want to take protective actions to protect the hsv-1 naive
partner. But since the location is uncertain, what does this mean? I'll
tell you exactly what it means--it means no genital sex, no oral sex,
and really no kissing either!
You hate statistics but all they really are is a numerical reflection
of reality. Think about it--there is a chance, albeit very very slight,
that hsv-1 shed from the genital region could infect the genitals of an
hsv-1 naive partner. So genital sex, particularly the unprotected kind
with a wife where I can have kids is down the tubes if the partner
wants to protect herself. Oral sex is out of the question too--again,
even though hsv-1 doesn't shed from the genital area much, it
reasonably could and infect the oral area of the partner. Worse yet,
shedding from the oral area could infect the genitals of a partner. So
oral sex is down the tubes as well if the partner wants to protect
herself. By the way, use of protection for oral sex rarely if ever
passes the "laugh test".
So what's left here? Kissing--that's probably the easiest way to
spread hsv-1 in the world. If there is any chance whatsoever that I
have hsv-1 orally, steps the partner would take in order to protect
herself would be no kissing and no sharing drinks and so forth.
So what's on the horizon for a relationship to hold? No sex of any
kind, and really no kissing or drink sharing either. See how ridiculous
this is? I know you hate statistics, but go along with me on this one.
By age 20, 50% of people have it. By 30, 60%, by age 50, 70%, and by
nursing home age greater than 90% have hsv-1. Getting hsv-1 is
indirectly related to LIVING LIFE! Am I to tell my partner so then they
won't share cups with me or have sex in any way just so that 2 weeks
later their little ol' grandma can unwittingly infect them?
Bottom line here: I would tell in half a heatbeat if I didn't know for
sure that I would be precluding all sexual contact and perhaps even
kissing based on the uncertainty in location added to the ignorance and
unwillingness to learn about hsv-1 among my peer group. I am not the
heartless, savage, cruel, and confused monster that Angela makes me out
to be. I am a 22 y/o man who has never been with a woman and of which
telling partners of my hsv-1 will put me in an impossible situation
which will preclude all intimate relationships for God knows how long.
Trust me, you have identified a location, I have not, your stories
don't apply to me very well, telling partners I have hsv-1 "somewhere"
is equivalent to precluding all intimacy.
~Eric
grant wrote:
> Hi Eric,
>
> Oh, I hear you! You really are in a pickle. And I'm glad my post came out
> respectfully. Sometimes things get misinterpreted through our written word.
> So thank you for understanding that was where I was coming from.
>
> Let's see if I can create a scenario for you based on what I have
> experienced in the more recent past. Remember, I was married for 17 years
> and never seemed to pass the virus on so now I'm single and having to learn
> how to date with an std! Blech. And at age 40. You're right, life isn't
> fair.
>
> First of all, I'm female. Grant is my last name. That might help to
> understand these examples I'll give you.
>
> When I am with a potential new partner, and it looks like things might
> progress to the next level. This is what I say:
>
> "We need to talk about stds because I have one. I have type 1 genital
> herpes. Have you ever had a cold sore? (For our purposes today, I'll
> respond no--more on that later) Okay, here's what you need to know. I have
> had genital herpes for 20 years, which is good because it means my body is
> less likely to shed the virus without symptoms. What is also good is that
> it is very difficult to pass type 1 from genital to genital. So that
> protects you. I have not had an outbreak in many years. However, there
> might be a possibility that I also have oral herpes--cold sores. I've never
> had a cold sore, but it is always a possibility. You need to understand if
> I have oral herpes, I might be able to pass it on to your genitals during
> oral sex. It is up to you if you wish to take that risk."
>
> I do not know how to solve the kissing problem. Because, like you, I've
> never had a cold sore, I generally don't say anything.
>
> Here's what I've encountered back. The first man I told I had herpes said I
> was worth the risk and married me.
>
> After my divorce, the first man I had a relationship with turned out to have
> type 2 herpes. He didn't care about my type 1 but I was actually a bit
> worried about getting type 2.
>
> The next man I was contemplating a relationship with said he had cold sores
> when he was a child. So, it was a non-issue.
>
> The third man was so misinformed about herpes that even though he had cold
> sores as a child, he thought I could reinfect him. At first I tried to give
> him the facts but he said his friends had told him something different. I
> assured him I knew what I was talking about. But then I realized that it is
> HIS choice as to what he wants to believe and what he wants to do. The
> relationship ended pretty much with that. Remember, my ex-husband truly
> loved me and didn't mind taken that risk--which puts things into perspective
> for me.
>
> And now I just don't bother dating.
>
> If you were to encounter someone with an immune system problem, I would
> suggest you get on a daily dose of valtrex. And then the two of you could
> decide where to go from there. I would hate to say no kissing, ever! That
> would be horrible. You are not a leper. Just someone who is aware of his
> status. And you're right, so many people don't know anything about their
> cold sores. It feels like we have this huge burden and they are walking
> around ignorant and blissful.
>
> As to what you could say to a potential partner:
>
> "I was surprised to find out I have a virus considered by some to be an std.
> I've never had any symptoms but I have it anyway. The problem is I don't
> know where on my body it is located. The virus is type 1 herpes. Normally,
> that would mean I get cold sores. But I've never had a cold sore. The
> other most common location is genital. But again, I've never had an
> outbreak. I've never been with anyone, so I can only assume I have it
> orally. Have you ever had a cold sore? (if they say no) If I do have it
> orally, I can pass it on to your genitals through oral sex so please
> consider this carefully. However, if I have it genitally, it does not pass
> from genital to genital easily. But I could pass it to your mouth through
> oral sex. If you are worried, there are medications I can take which cut
> the risk of transmission and if you wish, I can start taking those meds."
>
> Anyway, that's right off the top of my head. But I think it covers all your
> points.
>
> I was 20 when I got type 1--through oral sex with someone who gets cold
> sores. That means I didn't get it as a child. If I were you, I'd let go of
> the statistics because they don't mean anything to the individual person.
> If you were to say to me, your potential girlfriend, "Hey, 90% of the
> population has it by the time they reach old age." I'd be pretty insulted.
> We're not talking about the population, we're talking about ME. I'm sure
> you can see the difference.
>
> And if your potential partner gets cold sores, then there is no need to
> worry. But she would need to still understand you have it somewhere on your
> body.
>
> And disclosing your viral status is about respect. Plain and simple. If
> you don't respect the person enough to care about their health, then the
> relationship is doomed to fail anyway.
>
> Take care,
> ar
| |
|
| Hi Eric,
I really think you are making more of this than it really is. For instance:
How do people with genital herpes have sex?
How do people with cold sores kiss and have oral sex?
The point being, none of us is living as a nun or monk. I had 17 years with
my husband and herpes was a non-issue. NOT because I know the location.
But because it simply wasn't. It doesn't matter if you know the location or
not. What matters is that you let the other person decide if you are worth
the risk to them.
It's called weeding out the garbage. I was 20 when I got herpes. And 20
when my husband-to-be said I was worth the risk. That's pretty much the
same age as you.
Your arguments are the ones not holding up.
You, and everyone else who has herpes, are perfectly capable of having a
perfectly healthy sex life.
We with herpes have children. Oh my gosh...how did THAT happen???? Because
we have sex. Obviously, unprotected sex when in a committed relationship
where both parties know the risks. We use condoms. We don't have sex when
we are showing signs of having an outbreak. What????? You don't have
outbreaks???? Then what's the difference between you and me? I repeat,
what's the difference between you and me? Location doesn't matter. Respect
matters. And there is no one here who is going to tell you it's okay not to
tell. No matter what argument you toss out to us.
You said nobody your age knows or wants to know any facts about the virus.
You're wrong. You don't know the entire population. As I said, I was
younger than you and found a terrific guy. Oh, and back then, nobody was
talking about type 1 and type 2. All I knew was I had genital herpes which
probably meant type 2.
So, condoms and you could take valtrex. Sounds as safe as it's going to be.
You should be wearing a condom anyway.
What I am hearing from you is someone who is scared for his future. That's
okay. I thought I was damaged goods and no one would ever want me. I felt
ugly and horrible about myself. I was wrong. 20 years later and I'm
telling you the truth. I suggest you listen to us older and wiser
people...we've been through it.
You will find a great lady who doesn't care. You will take all the usual
precautions because that's what you should do anyway.
Let me ask you something. Are these really YOUR fears you are projecting
onto others? If you were uninfected and someone told you they had cold
sores would you refuse to ever kiss them? If someone said they had genital
herpes, would you refuse to ever have sex with them? Even if you loved
them? Even if you thought this person was the best person you had ever met?
Let's start with your attitude towards the virus.
And if it really bothers you, you can head on over to the herpes dating
sites and look for people to date there.
Take care,
ar
<ejk235@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1149871571.898659.79440@c74g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
> Grant,
>
> Your stories are helpful since I have never read any HSV-1 telling
> stories before in my life! All I have ever found is HSV-2 stories. I
> appreciate you giving them to me! I think that based upon my age though
> when I tell it's going to always end up like the last person whose
> "friends told him differently". Nobody my age knows or wants to know
> any facts about the virus and will fight you to their death saying that
> their coldsores are not herpes. Heck, my ex-gf told me they were
> genetic and that she inherited them from her mother..get my point?
>
> I have one major issue with what you have said, and I know it was off
> the top of your head :-), I think it would sound great to tell a
> potential partner (I am all for keeping it non-scary and low-key) but I
> don't see at all how this helps my situation one bit. Even by telling
> them in the nicest way in the world, they are still left with
> uncertainty in location, which I am telling them to "consider
> carefully". This is horribly bad because both the partner and myself
> are going to want to take protective actions to protect the hsv-1 naive
> partner. But since the location is uncertain, what does this mean? I'll
> tell you exactly what it means--it means no genital sex, no oral sex,
> and really no kissing either!
>
> You hate statistics but all they really are is a numerical reflection
> of reality. Think about it--there is a chance, albeit very very slight,
> that hsv-1 shed from the genital region could infect the genitals of an
> hsv-1 naive partner. So genital sex, particularly the unprotected kind
> with a wife where I can have kids is down the tubes if the partner
> wants to protect herself. Oral sex is out of the question too--again,
> even though hsv-1 doesn't shed from the genital area much, it
> reasonably could and infect the oral area of the partner. Worse yet,
> shedding from the oral area could infect the genitals of a partner. So
> oral sex is down the tubes as well if the partner wants to protect
> herself. By the way, use of protection for oral sex rarely if ever
> passes the "laugh test".
>
> So what's left here? Kissing--that's probably the easiest way to
> spread hsv-1 in the world. If there is any chance whatsoever that I
> have hsv-1 orally, steps the partner would take in order to protect
> herself would be no kissing and no sharing drinks and so forth.
>
> So what's on the horizon for a relationship to hold? No sex of any
> kind, and really no kissing or drink sharing either. See how ridiculous
> this is? I know you hate statistics, but go along with me on this one.
> By age 20, 50% of people have it. By 30, 60%, by age 50, 70%, and by
> nursing home age greater than 90% have hsv-1. Getting hsv-1 is
> indirectly related to LIVING LIFE! Am I to tell my partner so then they
> won't share cups with me or have sex in any way just so that 2 weeks
> later their little ol' grandma can unwittingly infect them?
>
> Bottom line here: I would tell in half a heatbeat if I didn't know for
> sure that I would be precluding all sexual contact and perhaps even
> kissing based on the uncertainty in location added to the ignorance and
> unwillingness to learn about hsv-1 among my peer group. I am not the
> heartless, savage, cruel, and confused monster that Angela makes me out
> to be. I am a 22 y/o man who has never been with a woman and of which
> telling partners of my hsv-1 will put me in an impossible situation
> which will preclude all intimate relationships for God knows how long.
> Trust me, you have identified a location, I have not, your stories
> don't apply to me very well, telling partners I have hsv-1 "somewhere"
> is equivalent to precluding all intimacy.
>
> ~Eric
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-10, 2:25 am |
| Grant,
I don't think I'm making a bigger deal than necessary here..I have no
interest in making a disease which I have and can't ever get rid of out
to be something worse than it already is. I'm glad for you that it
wasn't a big deal to you when you were married..if I was married now I
wouldn't be here. I understand that your husband said you were worth
the risk..and I'm happy for you. But don't you think that that has
something to do with, well I don't know, maybe the fact that you could
at least tell him where is was at?
I totally disagree that I am capable of having a normal sex life while
protecting my partner from getting hsv-1 from me. The two are mutually
exclusive. You cannot tell me that spontaneous and unprotected kisses
and sex won't put a wife at risk. I agree with you that's it's weeding
out the garbage, but as soon as I say "I have herpes and I am a virgin"
I am the garbage that gets weeded out. Why can't you see that?
You're statement that location doesn't matter baffles me. If I don't
know the location, how can the person protect themselves from getting
it from me? They can't, and no matter how many times I tell them "I
have herpes", I don't see how this improves my situation one bit.
Valtrex reduces shedding but doesn't stop it. And how am I supposed to
wear condoms when I'm trying to have kids with a wife?
You're just plain wrong on my peers wanting to learn about herpes. The
majority of people don't even know that their coldsores are hsv-1 and
they'll never admit it. I already told a friend that type-1 is
ubiquitous and I have type-1. You know what she said? She said: "well I
don't have type-1 so not everybody has it". In other words, I'm better
than you and you're an inferior himan being for telling me that.
Honestly, how many girls out there are going to want to learn that
their cute little coldsores are also an incurable STD? Again, if
educating people and breaking the stigma were easy and people my age
easily accepted the truth, I wouldn't be here now.
These fears are not unique to me. These are fears universal to all
people. Who wants a possibly painful, always incurable disease? My
attitude towards hsv-1 is that "it's coming sooner or later". I'll
repeat, 50% of people age 20 have hsv-1, 60% at age 30, all the way up
to 90% when elderly. It corresponds to living life. Getting hsv-1 means
some unknowing relative kissed me, I shared a fork with a friend, or
the million other scenarios out there. The virus is ubiquitous.
I'll finish with the most telling (no pun intended!) point of all. I
have looked on std dating sites. Tons and tons of hsv-2 and hpv, tons
of hsv-2 and hsv-1. Virtually nobody at all has just hsv-1. How I'm
supposed to meet someone who has hsv-1 online so I don't have to tell
them when there's nobody on there? Try it if you don't believe me. And
tell me again, how I am supposed to tell someone that I have an STD but
am a virgin? This one blows my mind and I have been reading on herpes
for months now. I can only imagine how some girl who hasn't been
reading will react when she hears that line.
Your help is very much appreciated!
~Eric
[vbcol=seagreen]
> Hi Eric,
>
> I really think you are making more of this than it really is. For instance:
>
> How do people with genital herpes have sex?
>
> How do people with cold sores kiss and have oral sex?
>
> The point being, none of us is living as a nun or monk. I had 17 years with
> my husband and herpes was a non-issue. NOT because I know the location.
> But because it simply wasn't. It doesn't matter if you know the location or
> not. What matters is that you let the other person decide if you are worth
> the risk to them.
>
> It's called weeding out the garbage. I was 20 when I got herpes. And 20
> when my husband-to-be said I was worth the risk. That's pretty much the
> same age as you.
>
> Your arguments are the ones not holding up.
>
> You, and everyone else who has herpes, are perfectly capable of having a
> perfectly healthy sex life.
>
> We with herpes have children. Oh my gosh...how did THAT happen???? Because
> we have sex. Obviously, unprotected sex when in a committed relationship
> where both parties know the risks. We use condoms. We don't have sex when
> we are showing signs of having an outbreak. What????? You don't have
> outbreaks???? Then what's the difference between you and me? I repeat,
> what's the difference between you and me? Location doesn't matter. Respect
> matters. And there is no one here who is going to tell you it's okay not to
> tell. No matter what argument you toss out to us.
>
> You said nobody your age knows or wants to know any facts about the virus.
> You're wrong. You don't know the entire population. As I said, I was
> younger than you and found a terrific guy. Oh, and back then, nobody was
> talking about type 1 and type 2. All I knew was I had genital herpes which
> probably meant type 2.
>
> So, condoms and you could take valtrex. Sounds as safe as it's going to be.
> You should be wearing a condom anyway.
>
> What I am hearing from you is someone who is scared for his future. That's
> okay. I thought I was damaged goods and no one would ever want me. I felt
> ugly and horrible about myself. I was wrong. 20 years later and I'm
> telling you the truth. I suggest you listen to us older and wiser
> people...we've been through it.
>
> You will find a great lady who doesn't care. You will take all the usual
> precautions because that's what you should do anyway.
>
> Let me ask you something. Are these really YOUR fears you are projecting
> onto others? If you were uninfected and someone told you they had cold
> sores would you refuse to ever kiss them? If someone said they had genital
> herpes, would you refuse to ever have sex with them? Even if you loved
> them? Even if you thought this person was the best person you had ever met?
> Let's start with your attitude towards the virus.
>
> And if it really bothers you, you can head on over to the herpes dating
> sites and look for people to date there.
>
> Take care,
> ar
>
>
>
>
>
> <ejk235@gmail.com> wrote in message
> news:1149871571.898659.79440@c74g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
| |
|
| Hi Eric,
You are a very frustrating person. But I understand your concerns. My
responses are scattered below:
> I don't think I'm making a bigger deal than necessary here..I have no
> interest in making a disease which I have and can't ever get rid of out
> to be something worse than it already is. I'm glad for you that it
> wasn't a big deal to you when you were married..if I was married now I
> wouldn't be here.
I was here while I was married. It's always good to learn more and have
people to talk to.
> I understand that your husband said you were worth
> the risk..and I'm happy for you. But don't you think that that has
> something to do with, well I don't know, maybe the fact that you could
> at least tell him where is was at?
No. Not one bit. The location is not as important as you think it is. You
are focusing on this one thing because...you don't know the location. But
let's be honest, Eric. If you've never had sex or oral sex, then the
chances of you having genital herpes are slim. Right? Now, did you say you
once had a genital outbreak or symptoms? I can't remember. What made you
test for herpes if you've never had symptoms?
> I totally disagree that I am capable of having a normal sex life while
> protecting my partner from getting hsv-1 from me.
How does everyone else do it?
>The two are mutually exclusive. You cannot tell me that spontaneous and
>unprotected kisses
> and sex won't put a wife at risk.
Of course it will. But yet the rest of the world with herpes manages just
fine. Why don't you find some statistics on how many people with herpes are
married and have children.
> I agree with you that's it's weeding
> out the garbage, but as soon as I say "I have herpes and I am a virgin"
> I am the garbage that gets weeded out. Why can't you see that?
Aha. The problem isn't everyone else. It's you. You believe you are
garbage and therefore this is the root of the problem. You are not garbage.
You will not be weeded out by peole who genuinely care about you. Why can't
YOU see that? Remember, we older and wiser people have years of experience
to look back on. Heck, if you just want meaningless sex, see a
prostitute. If you want the love of your life, don't worry, she won't care
you have type 1.
> You're statement that location doesn't matter baffles me. If I don't
> know the location, how can the person protect themselves from getting
> it from me?
How does everyone else with herpes do it? How do the people with genital
herpes protect their partners? How do the people with oral herpes protect
their partners? When you finally realize you are no different than everyone
else with herpes, you'll see how you are making no sense.
>They can't, and no matter how many times I tell them "I
> have herpes", I don't see how this improves my situation one bit.
> Valtrex reduces shedding but doesn't stop it. And how am I supposed to
> wear condoms when I'm trying to have kids with a wife?
And yet, there are tons of herpes couples with children.
> You're just plain wrong on my peers wanting to learn about herpes.
I'd say get different peers. My peers have always been wonderful and
educated. I hang out with smart people.
>The majority of people don't even know that their coldsores are hsv-1 and
> they'll never admit it. I already told a friend that type-1 is
> ubiquitous and I have type-1. You know what she said? She said: "well I
> don't have type-1 so not everybody has it". In other words, I'm better
> than you and you're an inferior himan being for telling me that.
No, she was probably commenting just like I am. You keep saying everyone
will have type 1 herpes by a certain age. And you're wrong. She doesn't
have type 1 and therefore, your assumptions that everyone has it are wrong.
This again goes back to YOUR insecurities which you are trying to project on
to others.
> Honestly, how many girls out there are going to want to learn that
> their cute little coldsores are also an incurable STD?
Why are you worried about other people? They don't matter. You need to
just deal with yourself.
>Again, if
> educating people and breaking the stigma were easy and people my age
> easily accepted the truth, I wouldn't be here now.
I don't know about that.
> These fears are not unique to me. These are fears universal to all
> people. Who wants a possibly painful, always incurable disease?
The difference is everyone seems to move on and you are stuck in a rut.
>My
> attitude towards hsv-1 is that "it's coming sooner or later". I'll
> repeat, 50% of people age 20 have hsv-1, 60% at age 30, all the way up
> to 90% when elderly. It corresponds to living life. Getting hsv-1 means
> some unknowing relative kissed me, I shared a fork with a friend, or
> the million other scenarios out there. The virus is ubiquitous.
Okay, you can't type 1 from sharing drinks or forks. But I don't understand
why you keep bringing up this statistic. Are you trying to justify not
telling partners you have type 1? Because I have said before, no one is
going to condone that.
> I'll finish with the most telling (no pun intended!) point of all. I
> have looked on std dating sites. Tons and tons of hsv-2 and hpv, tons
> of hsv-2 and hsv-1. Virtually nobody at all has just hsv-1.
Um. I'm on herpes dating sites and I have only type 1. (I also have HPV,
though) I've seen plenty of people with only type 1. But what does it
matter if it is type 1 or 2? You don't have to date within your type, you
know. Unless your stigma against herpes carries over to type 2s.
>How I'm
> supposed to meet someone who has hsv-1 online so I don't have to tell
> them when there's nobody on there?
Think outside the box, Eric.
>Try it if you don't believe me. And
> tell me again, how I am supposed to tell someone that I have an STD but
> am a virgin?
I've already told you how.
>This one blows my mind and I have been reading on herpes
> for months now. I can only imagine how some girl who hasn't been
> reading will react when she hears that line.
If she likes you, it won't matter.
> Your help is very much appreciated!
I don't mind helping but you've got to work on your own blocks, Eric. You
refuse all help offered. Open your mind and allow other thoughts in there!
ar
| |
| ejk235@gmail.com 2006-06-10, 9:25 pm |
| Grant,
Here are my responses:
> You are a very frustrating person.
I'm very sorry that I'm frustrating. I don't mean to be, I'm just
telling things they way they are in my life. Believe me, if you feel
frustrated just talking to me, imagine how I feel living under these
conditions?
>
> How does everyone else do it?
Everyone else does it by one of 4 ways: 1) they either don't know about
their hsv-1, 2) they get coldsores but don't WANT to know any truth
about their hsv-1, 3) they know and DON'T CARE, 4) or they know and
TELL their partner.
> Aha. The problem isn't everyone else. It's you. You believe you are
> garbage and therefore this is the root of the problem. You are not garbage.
> You will not be weeded out by peole who genuinely care about you. Why can't
> YOU see that? Remember, we older and wiser people have years of experience
> to look back on. Heck, if you just want meaningless sex, see a
> prostitute. If you want the love of your life, don't worry, she won't care
> you have type 1.
Of course the problem is me. Getting this irreparably damaged the rest
of my life. Garbage isn't exactly what I am. Here's exactly what I am:
not worth the risk to groups 1-3 who either don't know or won't admit
to having hsv-1, so this is why I'm stressed out. Group 4 people, who
would respect and love me for the fact that I'm telling them, would be
great, but how do you find them? I've looked on online dating sites and
have found only a handful of people with only hsv-1. Should I walk up
to a girl on the street with an obvious coldsore and say, "hi, nice
coldsore, wanna go out for a drink?" LOL..I think I'm getting to that
point..prostitutes might be an option too.
> How does everyone else with herpes do it? How do the people with genital
> herpes protect their partners? How do the people with oral herpes protect
> their partners? When you finally realize you are no different than everyone
> else with herpes, you'll see how you are making no sense.
The obvious answer for groups 1-3 is that they simply go on living life
as normal. Group 4 people who have herpes know where their infections
are and can tell their partner and both can take appropriate steps to
prevent spreading the hsv-1.
> I'd say get different peers. My peers have always been wonderful and
> educated. I hang out with smart people.
I never liked the girl who said that anyway, but it's solid evidence of
people's unwillingness to learn about or accept hsv-1 infections. I
hang out with smart people too.
> No, she was probably commenting just like I am. You keep saying everyone
> will have type 1 herpes by a certain age. And you're wrong. She doesn't
> have type 1 and therefore, your assumptions that everyone has it are wrong.
> This again goes back to YOUR insecurities which you are trying to project on
> to others.
She might have hsv-1..she could be among the high majority of people
with hsv-1 who have never had or never recognized having a coldsore. I
never said everyone has it--I said the % of people positive for hsv-1
correlates with age.
> Okay, you can't type 1 from sharing drinks or forks. But I don't understand
> why you keep bringing up this statistic. Are you trying to justify not
> telling partners you have type 1? Because I have said before, no one is
> going to condone that.
You absolutely can get hsv-1 from sharing food utensils or other
objects which can come in contact with a coldsore and then contact your
own mouth or wherever. I'm not asking you to condone me not telling a
partner--what makes you think I wouldn't tell them and have them reject
me with 99.9% probability? And after I've done this for a while, I
won't even have to tell anybody anymore because they'll all know :-(
> I don't mind helping but you've got to work on your own blocks, Eric. You
> refuse all help offered. Open your mind and allow other thoughts in there!
I appreciate your help more than you know. But my "blocks" are that due
to my painful genital rash and positive hsv-1 bloodtest last summer.
And the hsv-1 is here to stay forever, wherever it might be. I am not
refusing your help by any means. I am a 22 year old quiet science nerd
looking for someone my own type. Honestly, how many girls of my type
are going to be interested in a guy who has hsv-1?
Don't lie and tell me someone who loves me will accept my hsv-1. They
would have to know about my hsv-1 before they ever fall in love enough
with me to accept this. People who say that aren't thinking
chronologically..
~Eric
| |
|
| Hi Eric,
I'm trying to break it down so it will make sense to you and help you.
Let's try a different path:
>
> Everyone else does it by one of 4 ways: 1) they either don't know about
> their hsv-1, 2) they get coldsores but don't WANT to know any truth
> about their hsv-1, 3) they know and DON'T CARE, 4) or they know and
> TELL their partner.
I am not phrasing the question correctly. Technically, how does everyone
else protect their partner? They wear condoms. They don't have sex or kiss
when having an outbreak in either area. You will do the same thing. You
will do exactly what everyone else on this planet with herpes does. You are
no different than anyone else with herpes. There are people who come
through this group who have a positive test and no symptoms. Like you, they
don't know the location of their herpes. But they still go on to get
married and have children.
> Of course the problem is me. Getting this irreparably damaged the rest
> of my life. Garbage isn't exactly what I am. Here's exactly what I am:
> not worth the risk to groups 1-3 who either don't know or won't admit
> to having hsv-1, so this is why I'm stressed out. Group 4 people, who
> would respect and love me for the fact that I'm telling them, would be
> great, but how do you find them? I've looked on online dating sites and
> have found only a handful of people with only hsv-1. Should I walk up
> to a girl on the street with an obvious coldsore and say, "hi, nice
> coldsore, wanna go out for a drink?" LOL..I think I'm getting to that
> point..prostitutes might be an option too.
Here's exactly who you are: a young man who has a virus. He doesn't want to
pass it on to anyone else and he's having trouble making the adjustment to
having this virus. He doesn't seem to want to believe his life will be
normal. When he allows himself to shine and become the wonderful person
inside and outside that I know he can be, he will very much be worth the
risk to someone.
How does ANYONE with or without the virus find that special person? Again,
you are no different than anyone else on the planet. No one out there is
perfect. I dated those guys who had herpes and each one was a jerk. So,
knowing their status certainly didn't make them better people! When you
love yourself as you are and treat women with respect and compassion, you
will definitely be worth the risk. You don't have to date people only with
type 1, you know. You will find type 2s to be compassionate about the virus
as well. However, I'll warn you, a jerk is a jerk no matter if they are
herpes free or not. But you know what, if you see a woman with a cold sore,
now you'll know she's more than just a person with a cold sore. You'll know
she's probably a nice person and a cold sore should be overlooked.
>
> The obvious answer for groups 1-3 is that they simply go on living life
> as normal. Group 4 people who have herpes know where their infections
> are and can tell their partner and both can take appropriate steps to
> prevent spreading the hsv-1.
You are no different than those who know where their infections are. You
will wear a condom--you should anyways. And you won't have sex or kiss
someone if you are having an obvious outbreak. (Rash, tingling, etc.) I do
not understand why you think it is different for you. Just take the same
precautions as everyone else and you are as covered as you can be.
> You absolutely can get hsv-1 from sharing food utensils or other
> objects which can come in contact with a coldsore and then contact your
> own mouth or wherever. I'm not asking you to condone me not telling a
> partner--what makes you think I wouldn't tell them and have them reject
> me with 99.9% probability? And after I've done this for a while, I
> won't even have to tell anybody anymore because they'll all know :-(
Let go of your fear and live your life.
> I appreciate your help more than you know. But my "blocks" are that due
> to my painful genital rash and positive hsv-1 bloodtest last summer.
> And the hsv-1 is here to stay forever, wherever it might be. I am not
> refusing your help by any means. I am a 22 year old quiet science nerd
> looking for someone my own type. Honestly, how many girls of my type
> are going to be interested in a guy who has hsv-1?
And I was a 20 year old with horrible skin, bookish and definitely a nerd
with a science degree. And still I survived. Believe me, my acne gives me
more pain than telling someone I have herpes. It's all over my face for
everyone to see. And it leaves scars. Anyway, that's my pain.
You are no different than anyone else who has discovered they have herpes.
What will make the difference is how you live the rest of your life. You
are the same person as before. If you liked that person, rediscover him.
If you didn't like that person, reinvent yourself. Your future is in your
hands. You are not a virus called herpes. You are a man named Eric. Make
the distinction and move forward.
> Don't lie and tell me someone who loves me will accept my hsv-1. They
> would have to know about my hsv-1 before they ever fall in love enough
> with me to accept this. People who say that aren't thinking
> chronologically..
I'm not lying, Eric. Stop hating yourself and learn to like and love
yourself. Perhaps seek some help from a therapist. Accept the knowledge
from those of us who have lived it and are still living it. You are the one
stopping yourself from being happy. Not the herpes. It can't control you.
Arlyn
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