| chris and Lavonne 2005-05-23, 5:52 pm |
| Bah-ha-ha!
Thank you for the crack up! i know now that i'm not alone! We moose do
like the water...
deep peace,
Lavon
"JPF" <f8thnhim@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:zPoke.20283$J12.14809@newssvr14.news.prodigy.com...
> I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation
> known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the
> bathing suit for a woman with a "mature figure" was designed for a woman
> with a "mature figure" - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn
as
> engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn
> good job! Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl
> with a figure chipped from marble. The mature woman has a choice. She
can
> either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with
a
> skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's
> 'Fantasia.' Or, she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department
> store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer
range
> of fluorescent rubber Bands.
>
> What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
> entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing
I
> noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.
The
> Lycra used in bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch
> small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you
> manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark
> attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your
> passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
>
> I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
> in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I
> found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find
the
> other. At last! I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
>
> The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman
> is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I
> realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view
> assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately, it only
> fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed
out
> rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play
> dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
>
> As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
> prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh there
you
> are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so
sure
> and asked what else she had to show me.
>
> I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
> tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
> napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin
bathers
> with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane - pregnant with
> triplets and having a bad day. I tried on a black number with a midriff
and
> looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with
> such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear
them.
>
> Finally, I found a bathing suit that fit...a two piece affair with shorts
> style bottom and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge
> friendly, so I bought it. When I got home, I read the label which said,
> "Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it
> anyway. I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.
>
>
> ---author unknown---
>
>
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