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| You decide which is which.
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Sad News
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able
to find
three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the
stable.
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age
of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut!!!
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I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State college in New
York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college,
employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was
common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned
of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain,
can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
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"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." - Oscar
Wilde
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I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I
worked particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't
turn out as well as I'd hoped.
My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words
carefully after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I
thought someone else made it."
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"I married Miss Right - I just didn't know her first name was Always."
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"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
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While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some
30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was
way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the
local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
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"Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."
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I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was
trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I
took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the
hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it
looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise
visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch,
he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
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"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting
gold." - Maurice Setter
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Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole
nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two
days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
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A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I
win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
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A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing
golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite
badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by
saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying
me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
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"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your
date will too."
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My niece, Tara, returned from her first time in church and was asked
how it went.
She said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
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"I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah's Witnesses
do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up
to their door and annoying them."
- Bruce Clark
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My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal
registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister
returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and
declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
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"I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - Our
table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the
salt."
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A racetrack is a place where the windows clean the people.
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"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in
the room." - Winston Churchill
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Understanding Minnesota
The town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.
You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.
You know what euchre and sheepshead are.
You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar
hopping between the ceremony and the reception.
You know at least a half dozen Ole and Lena! na jokes.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels
were off your bike.
Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.
You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't
immediately break into uncontrollable laughter.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county
fair.
You know that "combine" is a noun.
You know what a FIB is.
You let your older siblings talk you into putting your
tongue on a steel post.
You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
You know that creek rhymes with pick.
Football schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.
A Friday night date is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
There was at least one kid in your class who had to help do
hog chores in the morning, before school ..... phew!
You have driven your car on a lake.
You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and "batree".
The Vikings will always be better than the Packers, no
matter what the standings are.
You or someone you went to school with was actually excused
from school for up to a month to help with the fall harvest.
You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into Fleet
Farm, and it won't melt.
You always believed that vacation meant "going up north".
You have more fishing poles than teeth.
At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the
hoky poky & the chicken dance.
You turn and look when someone shouts "Hey, 'Ski"!
Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
The local gas station sells live bait.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.
You know what a "farmer's tan" is.
You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a
blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.
Your mom asks, "Were you born in a barn?" and you know
exactly what she means.
You saved the Zebco website as one of your favorites.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
FFA was the most popular club in high school.
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for
your 3rd birthday.
You can recognize someone from Iowa by their driving.
You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet & Farm.
You immediately think of fishing when you hear the name
"Shakespeare".
You spent more on beer than you did on food at your
wedding.
Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
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That's all for now,
Bear
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