Alzheimers support - Care-giver divorce

Author

Care-giver divorce

frazzled

2005-12-05, 10:58 am

As care-giver for my alz mother, I am of course frazzled. I am having
marital problems that relate to the alz only in indirect ways. They
existed prior to the alz but are harder to deal with now. My wife
embarrasses me to the point of social paralysis. I am living
temporarily in the rural south, in a place where most socialization is
with relatives, and I have no relatives near here. I have been married
for 10 years. One of my wife's annoying habits is that she talks about
me to other people even when I am standing right next to her. I have
begged her to stop for many many years, but she doesnt stop. She
constantly introduces me to people whose name she doesnt even know.
She also introduces me to people that I know better than she does, and
to people that she had previously introduced me to. For that and other
reasons, we are on the verge of divorce. We checked my mother into a
nursing home just a few months ago so any alz burden on my wife is not
related to this. She had only been an indicidental caregiver anyway.
Our other primary reason for divorce is that after 11.5 years, she
still doesnt know my name very well. My name starts with the same
letter as her first husband's name, to whom she was married for 20
years. She occasionally called me by his name for years. I have
begged her to stop that for years. In recent years, she has been
saying the first letter of his and my name and omitting the rest. Her
utterance could just as easily be his name as mine. Yesterday I bought
her a Dale Carnegie book hoping that would help with the name problem.
Over the years, I have begged her to call me by my middle name or by my
formal first name, rather than the nickname that is similar to her
first husband's name, but she put no effort into doing that. I am
ready to divorce her and dont know what is holding me back. She has
some emotional problems and has been seeing a shrink for 15 years, but
she has a graduate degree and a successful career, so her mental
problems are not so severe that she would be incapable of accomodating
my little requests. Are my requests unreasonable?

Tumbleweed

2005-12-05, 10:59 am

"frazzled" <jessyventura@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1133798616.476261.204540@g49g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...

<snip tale of woe>

> Are my requests unreasonable?
>
Does it matter? Even if they were, are you going to change to stop being
annoyed by them? If neither of you is going to change after 10 years then
why would another year or ten make a difference? Only you know if you can
live with that, but I'd have to say that the additional demands of looking
after an Az patient could make the difference, because you tend to get
annoyed by the repetition so even more annoyance, even if of a different
sort, might just tip you over the edge. It wont be the first time someone
here reported a partnership under severe strain.

--
Tumbleweed

email replies not necessary but to contact use;
tumbleweednews at hotmail dot com

Mary_Gordon@tvo.org

2005-12-05, 10:59 am

You might want to try your question in alt.support.marriage or
alt.support.divorce.

My take on this - get some counselling and see what you can do to fix
what you've got together. Your problems don't sound like deal breakers
to me (I'm sure my hubbie of 17 years could give you a litany of MY
annoying quirks and habits, and he's got some wierd ones too). What you
are describing really seems petty, and it seems like its gotten to the
point where you are so zeroed in and obsessed with a very minor range
of behaviours that you can't see past them to the bigger picture. Most
of my nutty stuff my husband just laughs at fondly - although I know in
some households, things get to the point of war over little things like
leaving the toilet seat up or down, or buying the "wrong" kind of
cereal. Mature love has some give in it, so we accept and forgive each
other for being who we are.

I mean...is she kind and helpful? Is she a loving person? Is the
physical side there? Is she a hard worker? Do you have things in common
morally, spiritually, culturally? Does she have a sense of humour? Is
she a good wife in most ways - does she contribute to the running of
the household domestically or financially? Is the overall package
positive, and you are focussing in on some minor details?

Divorce is a horrendous process. Even my friends who have been through
it for much more serious transgressions than you describe have been
ripped apart by it (i.e. its not like swatting a pesky fly, and then
being relieved its gone and going on like nothing has happened).

You really do have to consider what your life will be like after a
divorce - better or worse than right now. Since you are looking at
divorce as the solution, you may not be clearly thinking through the
consequences, the social and emotional fall out, the lifestyle changes,
the lonliness, having to rebuild your entire life from the ground up in
midlife. Many friends who have been through divorce say that if they
knew what it would be like, they would have worked harder to keep it
together.

For me, the deal breakers are things like cruelty, infidelity,
violence, intransigent drugs and alcohol problems, lying, stealing -
all the really big character flaws that often can't be overcome or
fixed because they go to the core of who someone is morally.

By the way, my own late father couldn't remember my husband's surname.
He constantly called him Berton instead of Bertram (BERTRAM Dad, you
know, that guy I MARRIED!!). At the time I thought it was annoying. Now
we laugh about it.

Mary

Karen

2005-12-06, 12:56 am

I think Mary pegged it but I'd have to add that when Hubby and I were in the
thick of dealing with all of the heavy duty issues with my MIL, we noticed
it became very easy to argue about minutia. Tiny things can blow out of
proportion because they are easier to look at than the really uncomfortable
issues you are dealing with (like having to put your Mom in a nursing home).
Counseling could help you figure out if you're just obsessing over details
to avoid dealing with something uncomfortable or if there is really
something wrong worth trashing the relationship over. And counseling could
help you deal with what you're going through with your Mom.

If you've seen this for the whole 10 years, it either wasn't that big of a
deal before or you must have been incredibly non-reactive in years 1-9. If
it wasn't a big deal before, why now? It seems strange that it's bothering
you more now that your mom is in a nursing home than it did before when you
and your wife were caregivers.

However, I'm not a marriage counselor. They're much more skilled and
tactful. But Alzheimer's can put a strain on relationships just by using up
your patience and understanding in other directions so that you have none
left for situations that normally wouldn't bother you.

Karen
p.s. I confess that I would be curious about what is involved in being an
"incidental caregiver" because caregiving for someone with Alzheimer's can
be pretty wearing on almost any scale after awhile -- more so if it's in
your home. A counselor could also help you see if you're minimizing your
wife's efforts at caregiving.

<Mary_Gordon@tvo.org> wrote in message
news:1133801877.344050.126670@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> You might want to try your question in alt.support.marriage or
> alt.support.divorce.
>
> My take on this - get some counselling and see what you can do to fix
> what you've got together. Your problems don't sound like deal breakers
> to me (I'm sure my hubbie of 17 years could give you a litany of MY
> annoying quirks and habits, and he's got some wierd ones too). What you
> are describing really seems petty, and it seems like its gotten to the
> point where you are so zeroed in and obsessed with a very minor range
> of behaviours that you can't see past them to the bigger picture.

-----snipped some very good advice and comment-----

michelle

2005-12-06, 12:56 am

I am left wondering here 10years and she cant remember your name or
what you want to be called and cant remember which are your friends and
introduces you to them?
Seing a shrink for 15 years?
I dont think your requests are unreasonable.
Does she want a divorce?

frazzled

2005-12-06, 10:56 am

She doesnt seem to want a divorce, although she does bring it up
occasionally when we discuss the problems because she says she is too
old to change. We have separated overnight a few times over the years
over these issues - mainly the one about talking about me to other
people in my presence and embarrassing me. We are in our early fifties
and at our ages, I think a second divorce for each of us would very
possibly destroy both of us. We had no children together. Other than
my alz mother, my wife is the only family I have. Having lived here in
Kinfolkville, Bubbastate for 15 years, I have lost contact with most of
my "english speaking" friends. I haven't learned how to speak
"bubbaspeak" and dont want to. I have nothing in common with the men
here my age. We have been planning to move to the west coast together
next summer. If we divorce, I will take my mother and go immediately.
If I lose my wife, I will have nobody. That has been the reason for my
delay. During the years I took full time care of my mother at home, my
wife was the only support I had other than support groups consisting
mainly of 80 year olds. Even her 28 year old son had very little to do
with us during those years even though he lived 10 minutes away.

frazzled

2005-12-06, 10:56 am

She doesnt seem to want a divorce, although she does bring it up
occasionally when we discuss the problems because she says she is too
old to change. We have separated overnight a few times over the years
over these issues - mainly the one about talking about me to other
people in my presence and embarrassing me. We are in our early fifties
and at our ages, I think a second divorce for each of us would very
possibly destroy both of us. We had no children together. Other than
my alz mother, my wife is the only family I have. Having lived here in
Kinfolkville, Bubbastate for 15 years, I have lost contact with most of

my "english speaking" friends. I haven't learned how to speak
"bubbaspeak" and dont want to. I have nothing in common with the men
here my age. We have been planning to move to the west coast together
next summer. If we divorce, I will take my mother and go immediately.
If I lose my wife, I will have nobody. During the years I took full
time care of my mother at home, my wife was the only support I had
other than support groups consisting mainly of 80 year olds. Even her
28 year old son had very little to do with us during those years even
though he lived 10 minutes away.

Dennis P. Harris

2005-12-07, 1:02 am

On 6 Dec 2005 07:31:33 -0800 in alt.support.alzheimers,
"frazzled" <jessyventura@yahoo.com> wrote:

> She doesnt seem to want a divorce, although she does bring it up
> occasionally when we discuss the problems because she says she is too
> old to change. We have separated overnight a few times over the years
> over these issues - mainly the one about talking about me to other
> people in my presence and embarrassing me. We are in our early fifties
> and at our ages, I think a second divorce for each of us would very
> possibly destroy both of us.

I don't know why you would say that. Seems to me if she's
constantly embarassing you and is "too old to change" but it
really, really grates on you, you need to decide whether you want
to continue putting up with it or move on. Personally, I would
rather live alone than live with someone who is a constant
irritant, and I was the same when my mother was alive.

Why would a divorce "destroy" you? I can't understand why. The
feeling I had after my divorce was great relief.

michelle

2005-12-10, 12:18 pm

I somewhat have to go with Dennis here, if you cant live with yourself
you cant live with anyone.
Frazzled your 2nd post seemed almost opposite to your first.
Maybe you were having an extremely bad day on the first posting?
The disease of AD certainly can be all overwhelming at times.
Good Luck in whatever way you choose to go.

Alan Meyer

2005-12-14, 5:58 pm

<Mary_Gordon@tvo.org> wrote in message
news:1133801877.344050.126670@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
> ...
> My take on this - <<< outstanding advice elided >>>
> ...

frazzled,

I was going to reply to your query but then I read Mary's reply
and realized I couldn't have said anything half as good.

My advice would be to read and think about Mary's response
a couple more times. I think she's hit the nail on the head.

Alan

Evelyn Ruut

2005-12-14, 5:58 pm

"Alan Meyer" <ameyer2@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:M6-dnTZFCvUR7j3eRVn-qg@comcast.com...
>
> <Mary_Gordon@tvo.org> wrote in message
> news:1133801877.344050.126670@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
>
> frazzled,
>
> I was going to reply to your query but then I read Mary's reply
> and realized I couldn't have said anything half as good.
>
> My advice would be to read and think about Mary's response
> a couple more times. I think she's hit the nail on the head.
>
> Alan

She always does! :-)

--

Best Regards,
Evelyn

(to reply to me personally, remove 'sox')