Abuse recovery - Re: f, f, f f f

Author

Re: f, f, f f f

Panther

2004-09-28, 4:26 am

"embie" <embie@asarian-host.net> wrote in message
news:b5de851c110b4.71ae883a0eca87b84867@asarian-host.net...
> this is posted separately in a few places because it seems like i
> haven't been telling anyone what's been going on in my life. so this is
> an update. unfortunately, my life is pain right now, and i am not
> exactly seeing the better times coming.
>
> that sounds stupidly morose, like teen angst gone wrong, but when i look
> at the facts it kinda is that bad. and depression loves something to
> feed on. oh, and if anyone is going to complain that i am whining, i'll
> give it to you -- i am. i am totally, utterly, completely avalanched by
> things that are awful right now and i am finally telling; trying to
> purge some pain that should have been dealt with sooner. so my response
> will likely be something rude if i have the energy to reply to
> complaints that i'm whining. this took a lot and i don't know how much
> i have left in me to be rude. hopefully, just knowing that i know
> you're right will be enough, eh? done now.
>

Letting things out is not whining. At least not in my book.

> if the title doesn't do it for you, it's also spoilered for d'ath --
animals
> n ppl
>
> also an unsplatted deity's name is mentioned in passing.
>
> this is about loss.
>
> f
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> f
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> f
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> f
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> f
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> f
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> f
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> i'm so tired of losing things, so tired. f. f f f f f. so effing
> tired. and if i'm this tired, i can't imagine...
>

(((((((((hugs))))))))))) I know what that feels like. A sad sad
surrendering I think.

> i've lost three of my pets in the past six months. every time one of my
> pets dies, my friend experiences a tragedy that far outweighs it. not
> only am i grieving for my friend and my connection with her family
> (which is very close as i have lived with them) but i never get around
> to grieving for what i have lost. and i've lost a lot. and i've lost
> my own ppl too, just not ppl so close and dear except hers.
>

I've oftened wondered why we do not allow ourselves to grief. As if it is a
burden to others and we chose the others instead of ourselves. For a long
times 'others' took priority over my own concerns. I suppose it allowed me
to put aside the hurts I couldn't bare or couldn't deal with. Soooo much
easier to grieve for others.

I know some ppl I would not grieve for but I have yet to have a pet I
haven't. Perhaps because a pet represents to me unconditional love and
unconditional love was far from what we received in our youth. In some
cases when we displayed the emotions of compassion and sadness we were
teased and laughed at.

> six months ago satya sat vigil with me as my best baby boy ferret, who
> was a pet assisted therapy animal, died in my arms after a night of
> suffering. i was broken and could do nothing about it or his pain. the
> next day friend moves out, and in part out of my life. her sister's
> husband has to go to iraq. soon 16 yo friend will announce she is
> pregnant and be kicked out of her house anyway and move in with them.
> between then and now (being intentionally vague here) my dog dies. my
> 18 year old, pet assisted therapy, had since i can remember, saved my
> life dog dies. that night my fake nephew, her real nephew dies. he was
> two and a half.

my grandfather's brother dies. my grandmother's
> sister dies. i lose more and more. big things are lost in my life,
> goals and dreams and reality come to kick me in the face, temporarily
> sanity breaking things happen and lives are lost. i am lost. i am
> confronted by things/ppl i have lost in a big way, and they are losing
> ppl too. one for each high school friend i made contact with. now,
> this week my last and first ferret baby girl dies. i got her from my
> mother right before i went into the psych hospital for the first time
> outside of school. you can imagine the bond. i cannot put away or give
> away or clean up the cages for now i am broken. and tonight i find out
> that my friend's father is dead.

. he is not my fake father
> like her nieces and nephew were my fake nieces and nephew, but he is big
> and important and proof that ppl can change. and i am an idiot trying
> to find out what is wrong on the phone while she is trying not to let
> her nieces, my fakes, know. i am such an a... and i hurt in so many
> places that i have not let myself hurt. and it calls up all of the
> things that i have stuffed down. and all my grieving of smaller things
> will go down, as they should, because of the bigger things. and
> somewhere in all of this i have lost my connection to my God. and my
> ch'rch. and my friendships within the ch'rch. and so much more.
>

Sometimes when we lose something we had a close bond with the only response
seems to be silence, there are sometimes no words to express the grief, the
good memories we had with them. Perhaps because we could sense what a gift
it was for us when we needed compassion and concern. Pets have an instinct
in that regard I think and it fills it's 'masters' soul.

I also know what a loss your church and the friendships you made there were
for you. As to your God. He's still there and he still wraps his arms
around you offering comfort. We felt that often and it was strong, you
could almost touch it, see it and feel it. When we cannot feel it tangibly
it feels like a giant gaping hole inside of us. Dark night of the soul I
think it is called.

> and i have lost so much.
>

Yes you have :-(

> and i am so lost.
>

Sometimes we have to lose ourselves in order to regain ourselves.

> and i keep not telling what i have lost immediately or by proxy, because
> mine seems always the lesser pain.
>

I felt that way also and then I realized that to openly acknowledge my loses
meant to acknowledge the reality I was faced with. Sometimes that is simply
too painful. Once acknowledged verbally it becomes unalterably real.

> but inside me it hurts and builds and festers and eats at me like a
> c'ncer. and every time i think i am at the end of where i can fall,
> there's still so much farther down that i can go. and where my heart
> should be there is a big sucking hole with the memory so clear of the
> pain that took it away.
>

Yes therein lies the problem. Clarity of reality.

> and that's how i'm really doing, only a bit worse. because i left out
> the small stuff that eats at you around the edges.
>

What is small for one person might not be small for another. Your grief is
legitimate.

> and i'm not the one who should even be sat with. i'm not the one who
> hurts the most. not even a fraction is my pain to hers. yet i'm just
> about dying too. ya gotta hate when empathy hits depression which hits
> things that really hurt anyway.

>
> ya gotta hate that.

>

And I do too.

How many times do we have to get up again? We just keep frickin getting up.
And I stopped saying that I was at my bottom and it couldn't get worse.
Gotta watch what questions you ask of God, he'll more than likely answer :-/
After a lot of blackness I began to understand that we keep getting up
because we are capable of a great amount of love and I guess that deep down
we know that life _does_ have meaning and purpose and we have greater faith
in that than the alternatives.

I also think that when a door shuts a window opens. We may not immediately
like the style of the window and think that perhaps it's just not 'us' but
eventually we do learn to grow and move toward it. I'm finding that those
windows, as we get closer are actually dutch door, the top open and the
bottom just waiting for us to turn the knob and enter in.

> embies, peaceless.

I'm really really sorry you are in so much pain right now embies. I care
very deeply for you. You are a wonderful person. If I had a magic wand I'd
change it, if I had a towel I'd dry your eyes. Sometimes what is needed is
to cry with all your heart. It waters the soul giving it a new Spring.

Love ya

Panther

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