| Dragonlady 2004-08-26, 10:06 pm |
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"windswept" <windswept@asarian-host.net> wrote in message
news:86348ba6.842677b036eccb1ef8915e7a2@asarian-host.net...
> X-No-Archive: Yes
>
> "Baba Yaga" <spamdump@phonecoop.coop> wrote in message
> news:9q7si0dqg3uno311k96cnma3ou2tk73m9g@4ax.com...
to[vbcol=seagreen]
> another
>
>
> Well ... what the heck - what better time or person to unload to.
>
> I took a lot of time to think about stuff in my life and to examine where
I
> was and where I am. In the last ten years since I started recovery I've
> done more than I ever thought I would but I've also been able to sit back
in
> the past months and see pretty clearly what I haven't been able to
> accomplish - some pretty gross imperfections. I couldn't see those
before -
> I was too busy seeing other people's. I've come to where I can accept
what
> I objected to so strongly in people as more my stuff - sometimes the me I
> see in them and react to very negatively. I have been somewhat unable to
> deal with the me in me I deal with very negatively. Its caused me to
become
> depressed, withdrawn, workaholic and sometimes suicidal and frightened
about
> the future.
Our own faults are so much easier to see in other people, aren't they? What
I never understood is why it sometimes makes me so angry when someone else
exhibits a fault I have, but have not acknowledged. Perhaps it buried
guilt?
> I have been sitting here watching Buford die by inches - stumbles and
pains
> that he doesn't understand. We have a lot in common - we've been through
a
> lot together. We both are in constant pain from arthritis - he's not
> allergic to his meds - I am to mine. I'm frightened for me that I will
come
> home and find him dead - and I wish for him I would. Its a real conflict
at
> this point. I love him so much.
I think I have been lucky in that when I've lost pets, it's always been
quick. It's not that it's less painful, just that it's shorter. Going
through what you are, it must be hard to know whether to let go and grieve,
or keep fighting for each day, knowing how much it's going to hurt when it
ends. In any case, you have my sincere sympathies, and so does Buford.
> I have a job that if I keep working at for the next 5 to 10 years, I will
be
> able to retire without being a burden on someone - the government or my
> family. 911 and the subsequent stock problems hit my portfolio hard and
> almost all my money goes towards that. Its causing me stress - because
I've
> been sick - the fibro, arthiritis and osteoporosis with the addition of a
> kidney that keeps going down and spitting stones. I've had five bouts
with
> it so far this year and only missed three days work. I take a heating pad
> to work with me and drink lots and lots of water.
>
> The thing that frightens me the most is that I forget things - just
> temporarily, I eventually put it together but I have had to organize my
life
> so I do things in sequence so I don't forget a step. I'm afraid driving
> because I'm afraid I'm going to do something really stupid and
incapacitate
> myself. We've been overhauling the database in addition to what I
normally
> do and thats added a lot to my load. Its interesting and I love it but
I'm
> getting so tired from the kidney and stuff.
I'm a list maker. For some reason, I'm less likely to forget if I make a
list.
>
> Baba - I'm scared to death I'm going to let myself down. That probably
> sounds silly and I probably haven't put it into words well but becoming
> aware of my failings - seeing that I'm not the person I thought I was has
> caused a lot of fear and emotional upheaval.
>
> Thanks for giving me the opportunity to type it out loud. I've only told
> part of it to one person - I think I overwhelmed him - he wasn't expecting
> it. Now I've told the world and myself. I can read it - its real.
I hope it helped.
Dragon
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