| Smart Book 2005-09-30, 12:00 pm |
| Dealing With The Irritable Male Syndrome:
The Six Strategies Women Always Try and The Only Strategy That Actually
Works
By
Jed Diamond
Author of The Irritable Male Syndrome
Rodale Books (September 3, 2005) ISBN: 1594862915
It turns out that it's not only women who suffer from hormone related
irritability. Depression, anger, fatigue, moodiness, anxiety, lethargy, low
libido, and confusion are just some of the symptoms of a recently identified
condition that affects men. IMS (Irritable Male Syndrome) is a lot like male
menopause, but it affects men of all ages.
I learned a lot about who was suffering from the Irritable Male
Syndrome from letters I received from men and women. Here are two that are
typical of many. A 32-year-old man writes, "Over the past 3 years
especially, I have noticed that my relationship with my wife has begun to
deteriorate. In the past there were open displays of affection and frequent
verbal affirmations. Now, I seem to be irritable all the time. My attitude
seems to be 'don't come near me, don't talk to me, I had a hard day, I want
the entire world to piss off'. She now rarely tries to hug me, never
initiates sex, and talks to me probably about half as much as she used to.
It's gotten to the point where I find out what's going on in her life from
my mother or sisters. We're both miserable.
A 57 year old woman sends a terse letter about the man she lives with.
"Last January a man came home from work with my husbands face but did not
act at all like him. I've known this man for 30 years, married 22 of them
and have never met THIS guy before. Mean, nasty, and cruel are just a few
words to describe him."
Women inevitably try one thing after another to help their guy. "I love
him and I can't stand to see him feeling so miserable," one woman told me.
Another said she had to find a solution in order to maintain her own sanity.
"He's driving me nuts. No matter what I do I can't seem to do anything
right. One minute he is as nice as can be. The next, he acts like I'm
contaminated and can't stand to be near me."
1.The first strategy is to ignore the problem, hoping it is temporary and
will soon improve. You may tell yourself that he's just having stresses at
work or the kids are at a particularly difficult stage. You think that these
kinds of problems are part of life, that every marriage has its ups and
downs, and things will soon improve. They won't. They'll likely get worse
unless you do something differently.
2. The second strategy is to try harder to be nice, while he continues to be
mean. Many of us, particularly women, are trained to be helpful and
supportive. When your partner is obviously in pain you want to make things
better. You try to be understanding and caring. You think this works, but it
actually makes things worse. The nicer you are the more guilty he feels
about the way he is acting. Guilt leads to sadness and depression which in
this case leads to more anger.
3. The third strategy is to blame yourself. After being criticized and
blamed for everything from putting on weight to being less available for
sex, you begin to think that maybe he is right. You know you aren't perfect
and you have been overwhelmed with things lately. You start to feel guilty
and ashamed. Stop it! This isn't your fault any more than his getting a
disease like diabetes is your fault.
4. The forth strategy is to blame him. You don't understand why or how, but
it's clear that he's changed. He acts like a real S.O.B. He's become
disrespectful and mean. Sometimes you let him know directly what you think
of him. At other times you make sarcastic comments that you know cut him to
the quick. But hey, he started it. Maybe giving him a dose of his own
medicine will wake him up. Well, it won't. It will just make you feel as
lousy as he does.
5. The fifth strategy is to try and get him to change. You are sure that if
only you could get him the help he needs things would get back to normal.
You drop hints and you tell him directly that he needs to see someone--a
doctor, a therapist, a counselor, a priest--anyone that can help him get
well. You don't really think you're trying to change him, just help him. It
doesn't work. He just feels more pressured.
6. The sixth strategy is to change yourself to become the person you think
he wants. He clearly seems to be distancing himself, physically and
emotionally. You're frightened and at times panicked. You think that if you
could lose the weight, be more available, dress more sexily, be more
adventuresome, he will turn back towards you and want you again. No, no, and
no! First, changing yourself to please someone else will make you miserable.
Second, he doesn't really know what he wants. As soon as you change one way,
he wants you to be the other way. One minute he is the nice and helpful Dr.
Jekyll. Without warning, however, he changes into the angry and aggressive
Mr. Hyde.
The one strategy that will work, but is harder than hell to practice.
So, what's a woman to do? You love this guy, but you respect yourself.
You don't want to leave him, but you're not willing to be the recipient of
his abuse. The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. To do
that, you must remind yourself that you are not to blame for his behavior.
If he came down with the flu and he was congested and out of sorts you
wouldn't blame yourself, would you? But he is not to blame either. He is
acting the way he does because he is "sick," not in the physical sense, but
on an emotional level.
Once you stop blaming yourself and stop blaming him, you can get back
to being nice to you. Take a break, visit friends, go shopping, walk-do
something to make yourself feel good. When you are feeling in better
balance, then you can approach him. You want to tell him how you feel and
what you need. You might say something like this: "Henry (Only use Henry
if that's his name. If his name is John, it's better to call him John), I
know you have been feeling frustrated and angry lately and God knows I have
been out of sorts myself. I want you to do something for me because when
you do it will make me feel wonderful and I love it when you make me feel
wonderful. I want to you tell me three things you like about me. Would you
be willing to do that?"
Don't get discouraged if things don't change immediately. That's why
you need to keep taking care of yourself. Men who are suffering from
Irritable Male Syndrome feel worse when they know they are treating their
partner poorly. In their minds, their bad behavior is justified because
they feel they are being treated badly. It's as though they are looking at
you through glasses that make everything look negative and ugly. Your job
is to offer him a different pair of glasses to look through. You need to
get the guy to break the cycle of what Alcoholics Anonymous calls "Stinkin'
Thinkin'."
Deep inside he knows you are not so bad. He just needs to get his mind
looking in a positive direction. He needs to look at the world through new
lenses. This is what you do when you ask him to tell you three things he
likes about you. It will be difficult at first, but the more you ask, the
more he will offer. Once he reminds himself of a few things he likes about
you, he will begin to recognize more things and a positive cycle of
appreciation can get rolling. Give it a try and let me know how it works
out.
Jed Diamond
About the Author
Jed Diamond, a licensed psychotherapist for 38 years and director of the
health program MenAlive, is the author of seven books, including the
international bestseller Male Menopause. He is on the board of advisors of
the Men's Health Network and also serves on the international scientific
board of the World Congress on Men's Health. He lives in Willits,
California. jed@menalive.com
For more information, please visit www.menalive.com or
www.writtenvoices.com.
|