Schizophrenia Support - BDD, AvPD, or something else? Totally confused

Author

BDD, AvPD, or something else? Totally confused

journey

2004-08-13, 2:06 am

Hi, all

I'm a lil embarassed to be writing this.. kinda 'coming out', as well
as being judged/criticised... ~grin~

Anyway.. here goes.. I'm writing to see if there's anyone out 'there'
that may be able to shed some light on what i may 'have'. The reason
this is important to me, i guess, is that there MAY just be some
hope.. if i can target what the hell is wrong, i may be able to find
the right therapy (pills incl.).

So, here goes, i hope you'll bare with me, suffering from depression
at the moment, so a bit scatter-brained.

When i decided to improve my life, about 6yrs ago, i went to the
library, and read the DSM. I copied the pages on Avoidant Personality
Disorder, and Paranoid Personality Disorder, as i felt these two were
more spot on than other personality disorders. My research at this
point, didn't cover things like Body Dysmorphic (sp?) Disorder. I had
read up on Social Phobia, but KNEW that what i had, went way beyond
this, as far as acuteness.

Forgive my rambling.. just trying to give as much info as possible.

(Can't believe how hard this is!)

The thing that confuses me, i guess, is the majority of time, i feel
so inferior in looks, personality, intellect, and yet, other times,
it's almost like i have this feeling of being better than. This is
the paradox for me. Inferiority, vs. superiority. I wonder if it's
due to compensating for such self-depreciating thoughts, that i go to
the extreme to balance? But, this is the crux of my confusion with
regards to a 'diagnosis'.

My question is, does anyone here, that suffers from AvPD, PPD, BDD,
etc., feel this way ever? The feeling of being better than, amongst
their feelings of being less than? See what i mean? This seems
totally strange, and i begin to think, do i fall into another category
altogether? I don't have the energy to research at the moment, i have
in the past, but i don't recall ever finding a diagnose which 'rang
true' for this particular 'variable'. Was it borderline, schizoid,
.... ? ~shaking head~. I thought, to narrow down the 'search field',
i'd write my 'story' here, to see what you think, and go from there,
and hope that you don't think me completely selfish, as far as not
doing the 'leg work'.

Rambling again.

I think too, when in a depressed state, one tends to be overwhelmed
with the amount of information available, and they can't think
straight. Perhaps someone can offer a link, which discusses the
various disorders, which may lead to some answers?

To give you some further background (hoping you're not exasperated
with me yet!)

I started feeling inferior, around age 13, or so. I
believe it was mainly due to being teased, rejected, by friends, and
peers. I also believe a major factor, was the death of my father, at
age 3, and the subsequent heightening of my mothers 'shyness', and
avoidant tendancies. She never dated, she withdrew a lil from
society, and admits that we led a rather 'isolated/shelted' lifestyle.
I guess she became very protective/security-focussed. I have studied
the effects of father-loss, on the development of
ego/ambition/identity, etc., and can say, without a doubt, that this
is a contributing factor to what we collectively call ..
self-identity.

At 13, i began to isolate myself, by clinging to friends, but still
being 'friendly' towards others.. as far as smiling, making funny
quips, etc., to show that i wasn't a threat, and was a nice person,
but would avoid getting too close. Over time, i realised that i felt
less than. That i wasn't attractive, appealing, worthy, etc. Yet,
this feeling of superiority at times, allowed me to make it through
school, and go on to a career for 11yrs.

Throughout this time, i wouldn't get close to people. If they
befriended me, i thought they had an agenda, or just felt lonely
themselves, so i would never trust them, or myself, to further a
relationship. I had no trouble dealing with clients, as it was a
mask, i guess, a role. I was there for a purpose, and enjoyed being
of assistance. Take that structure away, and i would flounder. I
avoided eating in front of others, for fear they'd find me ugly, or
i'd embarass myself, or choke when feeling anxious, hence the start of
my smoking (smoke-screen/avoidance). I would often spend lunchtime in
the toilets, because i felt i had nothing to contribute, and others
would find me boring. I felt pressured in having to come up with
things to say, to look 'good', etc. All i wished to do, was to grab a
book, and not feel like i HAD to socialise. I know that i envied
people who could, and developed close friendships, so i know i'm not -
NOT interested in friendships, which i belive makes the difference
between avoidant, or schizoid (i think?). So, that narrows that down.

But, I'm confused as to whether it's BDD, or AvPD, at this point, or
as mentioned, maybe it's something else, altogether, what with the
feelings of superiority, at times.

I don't have friends, I have been in 3 relationships with 'boys', but
inevitably, they failed, as i didn't feel worthy, and therefore,
didn't trust their intentions/interest. I don't pursue any interests,
and never really have. I find that i don't retain information, or
even memories, well.

At times i think i'm ugly as sin, and would only go out at night, or
when i'd applied a heap of makeup if i HAD to go out. Other times, i
would simply avoid being seen. I would fear that ppl are looking at
me, and laughing, etc. I feel ugly, but on the inside, and out, as
far as intellect, personality. So i ask myself, is it BDD, or AvPD?
Or something else, entirely? Again, the label may help me to be on
the right meds, and to find the right type of therapy.

For years, i thought it was AvPD, but the inferior, vs. superior, has
always thrown me. This paradox/variable extends to all areas, from
intellect, to looks, to personality, although, less now, as my
depression, and anxiety has now effected my work life, to the extent
that i don't work now. As a result, i've put on weight (combination
of pills, and low activity), and smoke more (smoker since 17, am now
34), and my mind is less active. This all adds up to the inferiority
feelings being more pronounced/constant, than the superiority.

Again, though, i think it's important to mention that the superiority
feelings, didn't effect the way i was with others, to the extent that
they would think i was strange. It was more, my thoughts, and was
always less pronounced than the inferiority thoughts/feelings. This
DOES effect the way i act.

The one theme, therefore, that is constant throughtout all this, is my
ability to empathise with others. Whether it be their pain, or just
their seeking help, etc. I'm not superior-acting with people, the
common theme is that i'm supportive, friendly, and helpful:
emotionally, and information-wise. I NEED to be liked/accepted. I
don't go out of my way to be rejected, by acting all superior, nor do
i enjoy the lime light, or attention. My goal has always been - to be
accepted, liked. Not to necessarily form friendships, but to avoid
rejection.

I'm thinking that this paradox, is truly a result of feeling less
than, and compensating for this. What are your thoughts, experiences?
All comments are welcome, from those with experience first hand, to
those with theories only.

Hoping that i haven't gone overboard, or confused. Feel free to ask
me anything for clarification, etc.

Looking forward to hearing from you

J

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

journey wrote:

> I'm thinking that this paradox, is truly a result of feeling less
> than, and compensating for this. What are your thoughts, experiences?
> All comments are welcome, from those with experience first hand, to
> those with theories only.

First of all, modern psychiatry is one of the most speculative fields on
the planet. The DSM keeps getting rewritten. Homosexuality was in
there until 1973, some of the ones you mention are relative newcomers.
The neurochemical theories haven't made much progress with guesswork
like DMT, adrenochrome, dompamine, and others.

I would suggest being skeptical of the DSM until you've read some of the
critics. I know what AvPD and PPD are, not sure about BDD. I received
a 4 disorder diagnosis. Humans are so complex, they defy exact
catagorization, so I take my diagnosis with a grain of salt. I focus on
practicalities, like do counseling and/or meds make any difference in
lifestyle.

I would also suggest getting out as much as possible, before the
obsession causes you to crack and become psychotic. And see a
psychiatrist if you wish, but be cautious about using employee
insurance. The employer may be able to deduce the condition from
records. Cash is king. And it usually blows your chances for
employment with the NSA, CIA, and security clearances for the military.
In some cases, the military will not accept you at all.

And self-diagnosis is sometimes inaccurate, due to lack of objectivity
intrinsic to any self-analysis.

m.

Cymbal Man Freq.

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

"M." <none@none.com> wrote in message
news:6m7Tc.19971$9Y6.9406@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
| journey wrote:
| I would also suggest getting out as much as possible, before the
| obsession causes you to crack and become psychotic. And see a
| psychiatrist if you wish, but be cautious about using employee
| insurance. The employer may be able to deduce the condition from
| records. Cash is king. And it usually blows your chances for
| employment with the NSA, CIA, and security clearances for the military.
| In some cases, the military will not accept you at all.

But it might get you out of Jury Duty!

Penguin A

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

Just a theory; what about narcissistic pd? They usually feel inferior,
have low self-esteem and act superior to compensate. They also lack the
ability to empathize with others. If this is not you, forgive me for
suggesting it (just a theory). You say you've had a successful career
for 11 years so maybe you don't have a personality disorder at all. PDs
usually have trouble keeping a job from what I hear. Maybe your
feelings of inferiority are just due to depression and medication might
help you and when you're feeling bad yourself, it may be hard to
empathize with others. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself. I
wouldn't try to label yourself with a personality disorder, maybe it's
just depression. Find a good psychologist to talk to and see if he
recommends medication.
Take care
penguin

Penguin A

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

Also I recommend a psychologist and not a psychiatrist because the
psychologist will spend time talking to you (at least mine does). The
psychiatrist will spend 5 minutes with you and then give you a pill. At
best see both if possible.
penguin

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

Penguin A wrote:
> Just a theory; what about narcissistic pd? They usually feel inferior,
> have low self-esteem and act superior to compensate.

How did the OP indicate a feeling of superiourity? Just cause they
don't talk like a babbling fool?

m.

Penguin A

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

To M
What does OP stand for? If you're talking about the poster she said in
her post she felt superior but also inferior.
penguin

Penguin A

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

To M
I also said maybe the poster does not have a personality disorder at
all, maybe she is very depressed and she shouldn't label herself. If I
sound like a blabbering fool, I can't help it, I haven't been able to
write since I've been on medication and you can say that again.
Nicely
penguin

Cymbal Man Freq.

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

If you're talking about the poster she said in her post she felt superior but
also inferior.

I've been feeling this in quite a pronounced way the past couple of weeks.

Students may excel in one course while utterly flunking in another. so the
student would feel superior where the A's are acquired & inept where the F's are
acquired. This would lead to a sabatoging of self-esteem because of the
overwhelming feeling of failure in some part of the students' achievement
expectations.

Conversely, a person can feel superior in their knowledge of their "delusions",
yet feel totally dumbfounded by their inability to persuade another to believe
them. So, the same information is gold in the owners' hands, yet junk when
offered to someone else. This leads to a crisis in confidence of being able to
communicate effectively with all others, and creates a deep dark hole for
self-esteem to fall into.

You could go for decades being unable to persuade somebody who needs persuading;
and if your life depends on that person being persuaded, everything in your life
falls apart because of that inability to convince the other. Sometimes, it is
the other guy being unreasonable in their rejection of your opinions and not
your fault at all. Still, when everything in your world falls apart because some
jackass is ignoring you as best as they can, I only see a restraining order
flying both directions at once.

Charon926

2004-08-14, 10:11 am

it is good you can empathize with people
i would not worry about how to diagnose the inferior/superior question, i think
that is just a human condition. when you get to really know people you will
find the majority of people feel the same way. they feel less than, and so they
get these superiory complexes as a balance. neither state is really completely
true or false. people in general , have some areas that they excel in, and some
areas they suck in. it would be hard to judge a person inferior/superior
because in doing so you would have to limit the criteria by which you judge
people by , so what would be the point. i think just learning to accept that
you are aok just like you are , and what you are feeling is very ok and
normal., just be yourself with people and you will be ok. really when i think
about it the bond that really holds me to my friends is that we have
inadequies in certain areas and we can love and support each other with that,
good luck

2004-08-14, 7:06 pm

Penguin A wrote:
> To M
> What does OP stand for?

original poster

> If you're talking about the poster she said in
> her post she felt superior but also inferior.
> penguin

yes, i read it again. you are right. avoiding the lunch room might be
a sign of a serious case of avoidant personality or paranoid
personality. maybe she/he is just fundamentally shy, and it got out of
hand.

she/he may well have narcissistic personality disorder.

m.

2004-08-14, 7:06 pm

Penguin A wrote:

> To M
> I also said maybe the poster does not have a personality disorder at
> all, maybe she is very depressed and she shouldn't label herself.

Very true, I was hoping she wouldn't focus on the DSM too much. I could
have probably avoided psychosis by changing lifestyle early on.

> If I
> sound like a blabbering fool, I can't help it, I haven't been able to
> write since I've been on medication and you can say that again.
> Nicely
> penguin
>

Your posts are coherent and helpful, didn't mean to imply otherwise.
Yeah, meds are a double-edged sword. I need to go back on mine.

regards,

m.

Masque

2004-08-26, 7:06 pm

"M." <none@none.com> wrote in message news:<6m7Tc.19971$9Y6.9406@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net>...
> journey wrote:
>
>
> First of all, modern psychiatry is one of the most speculative fields on
> the planet. The DSM keeps getting rewritten. Homosexuality was in
> there until 1973, some of the ones you mention are relative newcomers.
> The neurochemical theories haven't made much progress with guesswork
> like DMT, adrenochrome, dompamine, and others.
>
> I would suggest being skeptical of the DSM until you've read some of the
> critics. I know what AvPD and PPD are, not sure about BDD. I received
> a 4 disorder diagnosis. Humans are so complex, they defy exact
> catagorization, so I take my diagnosis with a grain of salt. I focus on
> practicalities, like do counseling and/or meds make any difference in
> lifestyle.
>
> I would also suggest getting out as much as possible, before the
> obsession causes you to crack and become psychotic. And see a
> psychiatrist if you wish, but be cautious about using employee
> insurance. The employer may be able to deduce the condition from
> records. Cash is king. And it usually blows your chances for
> employment with the NSA, CIA, and security clearances for the military.
> In some cases, the military will not accept you at all.
>
> And self-diagnosis is sometimes inaccurate, due to lack of objectivity
> intrinsic to any self-analysis.
>
> m.

Yes, you're certainly right about the complexities of it all. I
guess, this was my last hope, in a way. I've about given up... that's
depression talking perhaps, or is it? ~grin~ ;)

I suppose i'd hoped that with the right diagnosis, i'd be more
inclined to find the right tools.

I appreciate your comments, btw, thanks for your post.

J